8/8/2019 All is Everything Everything is One

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All is Everything, Everything is One

I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, which had occurred at 6:00 pm Monday. It was the following morning before I wentto the emergency room. The doctors were only giving me a 50/50 chance, and said that only my low pressure hadprevented me from not having already bled out. My first recollection was a SNAP in my ears, so loud it was almostdeafening; it reverberated and left my ears ringing. I was above an operation, watching from a location near the ceiling,and found it very fascinating. It didn't seem extraordinary; it was like watching TV. Nurses and doctors were sort offrenzied around the patient, and I knew she was in trouble... I was overwhelmed, and deeply sympathetic for the patient.

I seemed to feel her horrendous pain, emotionally rather then physically. I couldn't really see her or even the others, withthe drapes and masks etc., but then I thought, oh, that's me. But again, it was nothing extraordinary, just anacknowledgment. The brightest, whitest light annoyed me, shining onto the right side of my face. It was interfering withmy ability to watch the surgery. I didn't want to quit watching the surgery, but the light kept bidding me to look away, and Ilooked toward it a couple of times. It was distracting me, and I wanted it go away. I watched as a long needle was thrustinto the patient's (my) chest, and was a bit squeamish about that, so I did look away, and this time I moved into the light,drifting toward it.

I entered a dark channel, a corridor, a tunnel, a canal... I remember thinking, "Yes, this is the birth canal." I thought with abig sigh, "I don't want to be born again." I realized with relief that wasn't happening. In some way I was being bornbecause of complete encasement in warm, gyrating, black jello projecting me forward towards the brilliant light. I saw myentry into the world, one childhood memory after another as distinct and as clear as if each were really happening. Therewas a doctor with a round mirror attached to his head on a band. I was jumping in my crib. Most things were pleasant tosee, some things made me very embarrassed. In fact, revolution and guilt took away any good feelings, making me sovery sorry for certain things I had said or done. I hadn't just seen what I had done, but I felt and knew the repercussionsof my actions. I felt the injury or pain of those who suffered because of my selfish or inappropriate behavior.

For example, four years earlier, a friend and I had gone down town to a nightclub. Once the dancing stopped and the barclosed, they served breakfast. My friend had ditched me. I was alone and in no condition to drive. About 2:30 a.m. a guycame in for breakfast, and I struck up a conversation with him. He was about 23, had just gotten off work, and was verynice. I was deliberately doing and saying anything to get him to agree to drive me in my car to the north end (about 35miles) so I could be close to home. I invited him to a party, and he agreed. When we got to my friend's house in the northend, I told him to wait outside. I went in and hid, leaving him miles from home and not knowing anyone in the middle ofthe night. After a while he came to the door sort of pleading to speak with me; my friends shut him out. Fortunately, thefriend who ditched me showed up minutes later, and the guy that she pulled up with agreed to give the guy who drovemy car a ride back to the nightclub. I never gave this incident a moment of thought after it had happened. But, during thereview of my life, I was grieved to see how totally selfish, thoughtless and downright cruel I had been. I felt his completepanic and fear, and his change as he became less trusting. I was sickened. I had such total guilt that I tried to pull myview away. I was being pounded with the fears, pain, injuries, and anger I had caused in others, and the repercussionsthat had been passed on and on. I literally turned inside myself and as if going through a cleansing, turned outright again.These things were all behind me now, but I would know them and be with this knowledge.

I stood before a light, white landscape in front of a podium that I cannot describe in detail. I know there was a largestructure to my right. I know that all knowledge was in a structure with an enormous stairwell that went on forever up andto my left. I knew that the others were beyond my line of sight. I saw no one. As I waited, I remembered what I hadforgotten, which was everything. I was astonished at the simplicity of why, what, who, where...all of it. I knew it all. Iremember thinking that it is so weird that we don't remember any of it on the other side. It's so apparent, yet we cannotsee it while living in the other form. At that very moment I likened it to an ant that could never perceive a human in itsentirety, it's complexity, or it's completeness, yet we are right there to be seen if only the ant had the capacity.

As I waited, I remembered three sisters or spirits, three others with whom I'd spend a great deal of time. I rememberedthat they had been surprised and concerned that I had made the decision to live this life. They feared a danger that Icouldn't place at that moment. I wondered about them, and wanted to tell them that it was okay, but I also felt stronglythat I had to go back. I remembered that I had a daughter, and before I could plead my case for returning, I was told bythought that I would not be allowed to stay. I got excited to return, and thought how much I wanted to remember the

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