r VOLUME XIV, NUMBER 5

ince 1985 the number of people who saythey have no one to talk to has doubled.The lack of social contacts and social sup-

port, despite our technological advances over thepast decades, is one of the downsides to the hugetransformations that have taken place in our soci-ety. Despite the advent of e-mail and cell phones,people today have fewer meaningful social con-tacts than they had in the past. We have tradedour face-to-face contacts for technological formsof communication. We tend to drive alone, workalone, eat alone, and live alone more than we didin past years. Our public presentation may reflectless about who we are on the inside than on ourability to conform to the latest look that we pickup from the all-pervasive media. We go to thegym and work out alone to the beats stored in ouriPods. We go for coffee and immerse ourselvesin our lap-tops. And wedon't talk tostrangers, whomay, as manybelieve, pose a danger to us. Yes, we've changed.Friendships are harder to come by. It is more diffi-cult these days to get to know who another personreally is - or for them to get to know who we are.

"Ain't It Good to KnowThat You've Got a Friend."

Carole King (1971)

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Research studies have shown repeatedly thatfriendship and social support systems have manypsychological benefits. Social support cuts offthe dysfunctional cycle of stress, which produces

Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist

Advanced Clinician in Imago RelationshipTherapy

License Number: NC 789

1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin Square

Chapel Hill, North Carolina 27514

919-942-0400

Email: jubaJ@judithbarnett.comWebsites:

j udithbamett. comafieri nfidelity. com

Dr. Barnett specializes in relationship issues,infidelity counseling and Imago relation-ship therapy.

Other services include:Individual psychotherapyMar-ital therapySeparation counselingDepression • AnxietyWomen's Issues

physiological responses such as increased heartrate, breathing, and blood pressure. Just havinganother person nearby will reduce stress whenpeople perform difficult tasks. And it also takesa load off when you need help in doing some ofyour tasks of the day - certainly a stress reducer.

Spending time with a good, supportive friendwill calm us and uplift our mood. We feel bet-ter when we talk things through with a trustedfriend. When we hear ourselves talk, we canoften get to the root of what is bothering uswithout the listener's having to say a word.Social support validates us. We don't feel soalone when there is a trusted friend nearby tosay that the same things have happened to them

. - or merely says, "I understand." Social con-nections help us to feel better about ourselves.Good friends make us feel good, and we feelthat we're part of a larger whole. When we havea supportive social network, we can face life'severyday problems with the feeling that we have'the backing of others who care about us.

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Social support also has physical benefits. Peoplewho have social connections bounce back morequickly from surgeries and illnesses than thosewithout support. A study of people with heartdisease found that people with a good friend toconfide in lived substantially longer than thosewho didn't have a support network. Researchhas also found that social support can increaseyour body's natural immunity. A well-knownstudy found that women with advanced breastcancer who attended a weekly support grouplived twice as long as those who did not. It hasalso been found that lonely people sleep lesssoundly, wake more frequently during the night,and had less regenerative deep sleep that thosewith good social support networks.

The Elements of Fnendshi

What are the characteristics of a friendship?Who is likely to become our friend? The follow-ing variables have been found to be associatedwith the establishment of a friendship.

Ph sical Proximi A person who lives nearus, or with whom we have regular contact, may,become a friend. In apartment buildings, peoplewho live on the same floor are likelier to becomefriends than people who live on different floors,and the people who live near the mailbox or the

stairs have the most friends of all. Our friendstend to be coworkers, classmates, and people wesee regularly at the gym or in the elevator.

Fre uene The more often we see a person,the more ikely this person will become a friend.Thus, a person we see at work or in class every-day has the potential to be a friend.

Common Interests - People who join groupsbased on a hobby or another interest are likely tomake friends with other group members. Theyknow and have an interest in the same infor-mation, and this prompts people to enter intoconversations and engage in the same activities.For example, hiking clubs, gourmet food sharinggroups, and reading groups attract, people with acommon interest - and friendships emerge fromthese groups.

Common Demoera hie Characteristics Wetend to make friends most easily with people ofthe same general background in terms of age,gender, and socioeconomic status. Our sharedbackgrounds allow for comfort with the otherperson and a common general approach towarddealing with the world.

Self-Disclosure The point at which an interac-tion moves from acquaintanceship to friendshipis when one person starts to talk about his or herown life. Self-disclosure has to be mutual andbalanced between the two people in order for afriendship to start. It starts out with the exchangeof minimal information and then moves intohigher degrees of self-disclosure as the friend-ship develops. If one person does all the talkingand the other person has little to say, the balancebetween the two people is not achieved and afriendship is less likely to occur.

Reci oci!y - A healthy friendship carries withit a sense of equality between the two people. Ifyou disclose personal information, you expectthat the other person will reveal personal infor-mation at about the same rate that you do. Infact, we tend to "test" the other person to see ifthey talk about themselves to the same degreethat we have. Reciprocity, however, goes fur-ther than self-disclosure. If we do a favor for afriend, we expect the same general behavior inThis newsletter is intended to offer general information only and recognizes thatindividual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues should beaddressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the detallsof the problems. (02007 Simmonds Publications: 5580 La Jolla Blvd., #306,La Jolla, CA 92037 Website - www.emotionalwellness.com

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return. If you drive to the group one night, youexpect that your friend will drive another night- or at least repay the favor in another way thathas equal value (although openly keeping a led-ger of favors can doom a friendship). Friendsare people who generally do as much for us aswe do for them.

Intimae Once self-disclosure and reciprocityhave been established in a friendship, the finalvariable is the ability of the two people to estab-lish an appropriate level of intimacy betweenthem. Intimacy involves emotional expressionand ideally includes unconditional support of theother person. That is, we accept the other personwithout placing value judgments on him or her.A friendship with intimacy also includes trustand loyalty. An intimate friendship is one inwhich we feel that we can be ourselves. We'll bevalued and accepted just for being who we are.It makes us feel alive and warm. In other words,a good friendship depends less on who the otherperson is than on how they make us feel. .

GIVING IS MORE EFFEC-TIVE THAN RECEIVING.

One important component of friendship is thatmoney cannot buy friends. You can pick up thetab for other people, but that does not ensurethat you will now have friends. True friendshipdepends on much deeper features than the super-ficial act of buying things for people. In fact, ithas been found that we value a friendship moreif we give to another person rather than receiv-ing from them. Perhaps by doing something forsomeone else, we enhance their value in ourown eyes in order to justify why we have givento them. Giving makes us like the other personmore - and allowing them to give to us makesthem like us more. The American statesman,Benjamin Franklin, used this idea in dealingwith people. When someone was antagonistictoward him, he would ask them for a favor, suchas to borrow a book. This led the other person tochange their perception of him in a more posi- _tive direction. Giving, in any case, is more effec-tive as a life strategy than receiving.

The best friendships are those where the twopeople support each other's social identity. Wevalue the place we have in society, whetherit's a job or an important marker of our status

- such as being a parent or a good student or ateam member. Our true friends are those whosupport the social identity we have establishedfor ourselves. We tend to withdraw from peoplewho fail to support what we are or what we doin the world. We may believe that we like ourfriends because of who they are as people, butthe research indicates that we like them becausethey support who we are.

Another feature of a good friendship is .thatthings tend to stay positive. Although self-disclo-sure is an important component of a friendship,when people constantly talk about their prob-lems or use the friendship as a place only to venttheir life frustrations, the friendship is put understrain. When one person stays negative within afriendship, the other-person might start avoidingthe interaction. The intimacy .of friendship has to .be enjoyable. The more we feel good about theother person, the more likely we are to invest thetime to keep the friendship alive and thriving. Agood friendship is exciting - and it's fun.

How are Men and WomenDifferent in Their Friendships?It has been well established that intimacy is a cru-cial component of a good friendship. However,men and women express their intimacy in differ-ent ways.

Women tend to express intimacy on an emotionallevel. They share information about themselves,talk more about feelings, and try to understandtheir relationships, their careers, their health, ortheir state of mind. They are more interested insharing and disclosing feelings rather than inproblem-solving. The emphasis is on "processingfeelings" - talking and listening, and, as they dothis, validating the other person.

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Men, on the other hand, share their affection fortheir friends using what has been called "covertintimacy." Rather than focusing on processingfeelings, men share intimacy by helping eachother or problem-solving. The emphasis is on"doing" rather than "being." They talk moreabout topics outside of the personal realm ': like

_ cars, computer games, politics, or finance. Theirexpression of affection often takes the form ofrazzing each other, which is understood by mento be a form of bonding.

If you're not in school or working for a large companywith a built-in social structure and constant opportuni-ties to meet new people, making friends can be a chal-lenge. Still, there are several strategies that are usefulfor meeting people and making friends.

Join a Gym - No, you're not likely to meet someoneworking out on an elliptical trainer or stairrnaster, butgyms also offer yoga, martial arts classes, or aerobics- and it is in these settings that you can talk to otherpeople with whom you share a common interest.

Get a Pet (especially a dog) - Not only will youderive physical and emotional benefits from having apet, people feel free to talk to you when you're walkingyour pet. They are a built-in topic for conversation. Goto a local dog park or take your pooch for a walk in theneighborhood at the same time every day.

Volunteer - Get involved with a charitable group.This not only helps to relieve stress since you're doingsomething to help the world, but you'll meet other peo-ple with altruistic motives and similar interests.

Get Involved with a Hobby - Explore a pastime thatyou have an interest in, like biking, reading, music, orthe environment. And then join a group of people whohave the same interest. Not only will the hobby addinterest to your life, but you'll make contact with other

people with whom you have something in common.

Take a Look at People You Already Know - Friendsare people with whom you share proximity and fre-quency of contacts. You probably already come intocontact with certain people frequently, but you'venever bothered to start a conversation. Give it a try, andyou might be pleasantly surprised at what you've beenmissing.

Track Down Old Friends - Get in touch with oldfriends again. See how they're doing. You may be ableto revive these friendships and treat yourself to somecontinuity in your life.

Ask Questions - If you don't know what to say whenyou meet someone new, ask them questions aboutthemselves (without appearing to be nosy or intrusive).People love the attention they receive from others, andconversations tend to flow easily when the other personfeels validated.

Ask for a Favor - If you are trying to make friends,ask someone to do you a favor. They are more likely tofeel friendly toward you after they have done you thefavor.

Smile! - This may sound simple, but it's a way ofgiving off approachable cues. People are much morewilling to talk to someone who reveals positive bodylanguage. The first step to a friendship is often a pleas-ant "hello."

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Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.1829 East Franklin Street1100 B Franklin SquareChapel Hill, NC 27514