BEFORE THE CURTAIN RISES:

The CHORUS, a woman of sage and otherworldly appearance, bearing a grotesque mask behind which she sometimes hides her face, enters.

MUSIC: Chorus theme #1

CHORUSHello Hello Hello you pretty people how are you you all look very smart and well-read but even the best may have missed the Iliad it is long very long

So just to fill in a little for anyone who may have missed the Iliad or smoked too much pot in high school in a vain attempt to be cool consequently mortgaging their future and their ability to appreciate good literature....

The Greeks Trojans The Greeks versus Trojans who will win Trojans took Helen The Greeks want her backAgamemnon is the kingAchilles fights for him and he’s greatthe Greeks need him

AT RISE:

The PSYCHIATRIST’S office. ACHILLES is on a low couch facing away from the Psychiatrist, who sits in a chair behind him.

PSYCHIATRISTSo, you’re angry. Talk about it.

ACHILLESNever since the Beginning when light clapped onto darknessAnd Godhead, stooping, whispered life to mortal frames,has one man so grievously offended another. Oh Agamemnon, youCoward!

(drawing his sword) The Trojans you suffer easily, would sit down to supwith sooner then draw your sword against; it’s your own men who need fear

Your avaricious fingers, which pluck a mixing bowl here, a bronze tripod there, But never more than what is “due” unto your overwhelming honor. Honor my foot! What of Achilles, first to storm the Phrygian keep?What of Achilles, first to rape the Amazonian Queen? I tell you, you hound, that by this strong hand, which many a Trojan hero felt at his last, and By this sharp sword, which many a...

(visibly panting, running out of breath)By this incredibly sharp sword.Oh damn it all.

PSYCHIATRISTI’m sorry?

ACHILLES

(putting sword away)I’m so damn tired of talking like that all time.

PSYCHIATRISTPlease express yourself in whatever way’s comfortable.

ACHILLESThey’re always watching you, too. “Oh Achilles, I think you put an extra foot in that hexameter.” I’ll put an extra foot in your ass, Odysseus!

(draws his sword, then puts it away)Basically, what happened is that Agamemnon captured this girl, yeah, but he had to like give it back or whatever, doesn’t matter why, and afterwards, though it was his loss, he came to my door and took my Brieseis.

PSYCHIATRISTHmm. Briseis. That is a sheep’s cheese, correct?

ACHILLESThat is a slave girl!

(tenderly) My slave girl.

PSYCHIATRISTLet us explore this subject. This woman you speak of–does she cook?

2.

ACHILLESYup.

PSYCHIATRISTClean?

ACHILLESSpotless.

PSYCHIATRISTAnd as for the appearance: how is she, physically speaking?

ACHILLESOh doc, you know what they say: Once you go barbarian...

PSYCHIATRIST

(forcing a chuckle)Yes... Now. Please to describe your feelings when Agamemnon took her.

ACHILLES

(stating the obvious)He took my property and my honor. How would you feel?

PSYCHIATRIST

(bitterly)Shrinks don’t get slave girls. Not even used or defective ones... Tell me, Achilles, were you ever... on intimate terms with Briseis?

ACHILLESNo, I just got her.

PSYCHIATRISTWhen exactly was that?

ACHILLESA week ago? Why are you asking me that?

PSYCHIATRISTI know you have had problems with the intimacy before.

3.

ACHILLESProblems with intimacy!? That was one time! I was tired! I killed 38 Trojans that day. How many Trojans have you killed? Sitting here in your chair, scribbling notes, talking...

PSYCHIATRIST

(coughing to cover his words)At least I can get it up.

ACHILLESWhat’s that?

PSYCHIATRISTI said, “lets talk about growing up.”

ACHILLES

(throwing up his hands)We’ve been here before, Doc.

PSYCHIATRISTThe psychosexual development of the youth cannot be overanalyzed. As a young man, you were not very close to the father.

ACHILLESThe king of Aegina is busy.

PSYCHIATRISTAnd for the mother. Was she, so to speak, “in the picture?”

ACHILLES

(shrugging)She’s a nymph.

PSYCHIATRIST-O?

ACHILLESSea nymph.

PSYCHIATRISTOh. That impacted your relationship negatively?

4.

ACHILLES

(like it’s obvious)Yeah.

(Psychiatrist doesn’t understand )She lives in the sea.

PSYCHIATRIST

(skeptically)Yes, the sea. By your own account, you were mostly in the care of a horse.

ACHILLESHalf-horse.

PSYCHIATRISTNot a horse...

ACHILLESHalf-horse. You’ve never heard of Centaurs?

PSYCHIATRIST

(waving the discussion away)The point I want us to focus on is the relative absence of the parents in your childhood.

(Achilles is silent)They abandoned you and you do not know why.

(silence)You think that maybe, if you are the very most supreme warrior, your mother will come back…

ACHILLESYou’re on a totally wrong track, doc. She does come back. Literally last night.

(MUSIC BEGINS - a shimmering background tremolo. Thetis emerges from the billowing curtains at stage back and moves mysteriously)

As I stood at sea’s edge, encircled by waves of sadness, the sea nymph Thetis rose out of the churning surf and took her place beside me. In dulcet tones the Goddess began to sing:

MUSIC: THETIS AND ACHILLES

5.

what sorrow troubles your heart my child? oh mother I've been disgracedwere you justly rebuked for acting rude and wild?Oh mom you're so quick to blame then what is the thing that's got you so riled?be quiet so I can explain

As the wind ravaged the frothy ocean and the storm-battered seagulls screamed overhead, I told her all: how Agamemnon had stolen my favorite slave girl and brought great dishonor on me, and how I had sworn an oath on the blood of two heifers and a rabbit not to rejoin the Greek army until Agamemnon had said he was sorry. Briny waves lashed her pale ankles as she answered me thus:

Did I ever tell you I used to date Zeus? why are you bringing this up? his was before I met your dear father

Fine, you won't hear my good idea Please, please, please.well... I could ask Zeus to make the Greeks to losetell me more mother you interest me strangelyas long as my boy sits with his ego bruised it is not ego but honor that pains me they'll be all round your tent to beg for youevery single Greek down on their knees

They'll beg me please They'll beg you please down on their knees down on their knees they'll want me back They'll want you back but not until Agamemnon cracks The army will get killed until Agamemnon pays me back

MUSIC ENDS

(Thetis exits and Achilles turns back to the Pyschiatrist)

ACHILLESYou don’t think it was a little wrong to ask her to talk to Zeus for me. It’s kind of tough on the guys – a lot of them might die.

6.

PSYCHIATRISTYou need feel no anxiety. To put on, so to speak, my Freudian hat, I’d say you feel betrayed by your friends, you want your mother to care for you, and those factors caused you to dream that...

ACHILLES‘Dream,’ Doc?

PSYCHIATRISTYes, you dreamed that...

ACHILLESThis wasn’t a dream.

(Psychiatrist looks puzzled)The woman’s a sea nymph. If she wants to appear to me in a cloud of mist at the stroke of midnight, she does it.

PSYCHIATRISTTell me more about last night. How were we feeling? We must’ve been tired from the day’s exertions.

ACHILLES

(quietly dangerous)You doubt me.

PSYCHIATRISTThe beaches of Troy are known to be very misty...

ACHILLES

(approaching Psychiatrist)Wily Odysseus, full of schemes and strategems, scruples not in deceptionbut fleet-footed Achilles is known far and wide for his plain speaking.

PSYCHIATRISTOf course. It’s all I ever hear.

ACHILLESWhen swift-footed Achilles speaks, the mountains themselves do answer.

PSYCHIATRISTThat’s an echo. You’re describing an echo.

7.

ACHILLESValleys carry his words to the farthest hills.

PSYCHIATRISTWould you look at the time. I’m afraid that’s all we can do today.

ACHILLESBut you, a mere word-smith, with the soft white hands which have never yet hefted well-tempered bronze...

PSYCHIATRIST

(pushing Achilles out the door)Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. If Agamemnon asks, I’ll just tell him you’re Same time next week? Great. Don’t overdue the rage, haha, bye... Jesus Christ.

(He pours himself a drink and plops on the couch where Achilles was sitting. The lights dim on the stage, with the exception of a single spotlight aimed at the shrink. He pulls out his tape recorder and speaks into it. Soft MUSIC begins to play.)

Date: August 8th, approximately 1350 BC. Subject: Achilles. Mental Condition: aksdjflk. He still cannot take the field with the Greek army.

(He sighs. Chorus enters)

MUSIC: Chorus theme 2

CHORUSWhat is shrinky to do?Achilles three quarters cuckooHe would prescribe medsIf they’d been inventedThe question’s not academicShrinky you’ve got a time limit.Convince him to get off his bumOr you’ll piss off the boss Agamemnon

MUSIC ENDS

(Exit Chorus. Voices off stage whisper ‘Agamemnon’.

8.

AGAMEMNON, a good humored but volatile gangster, secretly a sissy, creeps up on Shrinky, who is shaking his head in dismay.)

AGAMEMNON

(poking shrinky with his sword)Heya, Shrinky!

PSYCHIATRIST

(falling to his knees)AHH! Don’t kill me, please don’t kill me!

(seeing Agamemnon)Oh, my lord Agamemnon.

AGAMEMNON

(suddenly concerned)Did I scare you? I’m so sorry. Stupid Agamemnon, stupid, stupid.

PSYCHIATRIST

(trying to calm him)No, please, my Lord. It’s an honor to be scared by you.

AGAMEMNON

(regaining his gangster accent and composure)Yeah. That’s right. It is an honor to be scared by me. I am king of the Greeks, leader of Athens and Sparta! I’m the best white guy around. Now. Let’s quit gabbing and talk turkey. How’s our boy? How’s the kid?

PSYCHIATRIST

(slow to follow his drift)The kid? You’ll love him. He’s fit, strong, and in excellent shape. I’ll write you a prescription right now.

(he gets out pad and reads aloud what he’s writing)

9.

For the relief of stress: One Numidian slave boy, to be taken twice daily, with wine, for two weeks.

AGAMEMNONYou stupid, worthless..... Achilles! I’m talking about Achilles!

PSYCHIATRISTForgive me Lord Agamemnon. I have the pleasure of reporting the most excellent progress. His condition improves daily.

AGAMEMNONSo he’ll fight. Good. These Trojans, they’re like lice on a whore. You keep killing them and killing them, but there’s always more whores.

(laughs heartily; Psychiatrist laughs hesitantly)I heard that one from Odysseus.

PSYCHIATRISTVery humorous.

AGAMEMNONSo, when can I see him.

PSYCHIATRISTAhh yes. There is one thing I ought to tell you...

AGAMEMNONWhat?

PSYCHIATRISTHe wants to fight...

AGAMEMNONWhaddya mean wants to?

PSYCHIATRISTHe feels– and not without some reason, I think, though of course he’s not justified, he’s a very troubled man...

AGAMEMNONShrinky...

PSYCHIATRISTHe’s a little upset about the incident with the girl...

10.

AGAMEMNON

(he grabs the shrink by the collar)Still won’t pull his weight, huh? Still won’t toe the line? Still thinks he’s better than us? Well...

(Agamemnon releases him. He is obviously very hurt)

Fine. I blink. He wins. You try to lead an army... You try to be the best general you can.

PSYCHIATRISTThe opinion in the army is that you are a very fine leader.

AGAMEMNONReally? They say that?

PSYCHIATRISTThe finest since Jason.

AGAMEMNON

(obviously cheered up)Ah what the hell do you know, you’re just a doctor. Your dad never taught you to wield a spear?

(considering)This is what I can do. Tell the mook he gets the girl Briseis back

(nudging the shrink)in the original packaging, if you know what I mean, and tell him he gets twenty Trojan honeys besides, not a one a day over thirteen.

PSYCHIATRISTA generous gift, lord Agamemnon.

AGAMEMNONI’ll throw in seven cities, too: Corinth, Thebes, Detroit, Flint, Newark,

(with disgust)Staten Island, and oh yeah, the one where they do all the prophesying, Del- something. Got it? Good boy.

(He begins to leave.)

11.

PSYCHIATRISTOh Agamemnon, Agamemnon, one moment if you please. With a person like Achilles, communication is very important. He needs to know that he has your respect.

AGAMEMNONI’m giving him seven cities! Not all of them so glamorous, but...

PSYCHIATRISTAnd most magnanimous of you, but I still think it would be nice if he heard it from you personally, and I, uh, actually, uh took the liberty of arranging a little session for you two, and, why, here he is...

(Achilles enters)

ACHILLESHey, doc, I thought we weren’t meeting until Thursday....

(the following exchange is uttered through clenched teeth)

Agamemnon.

AGAMEMNONAchilles.

ACHILLESI got your cities.

AGAMEMNONI hope you like them.

ACHILLESIt was very kind of you.

AGAMEMNONDon’t mention it.

ACHILLESExcuse me, I must be going.

AGAMEMNONMe too.

ACHILLESBye.

12.

PSYCHIATRISTGentlemen, you’re not considering leaving? We’ve just begun. Isn’t it great to be chatting again, opening up to one another, sharing?

(silence)Great! Let’s all grab some chair and we’ll get started. Great.

(reluctantly, they sit)I like to begin these sessions with a game. Does everybody like games? Great. This game I like to call “when you do this, it makes me feel that.” For example: I might say something like “Achilles, when you talk about slave girls, it makes me feel jealous.”

ACHILLESYou should’ve told me . I’ll get you one.

PSYCHIATRIST

(forgetting his professional demeanor)You mean that?

AGAMEMNONYou wanna girl, shrinky, you got to do it like the rest of us...

ACHILLESAnd kill her brothers, father and husband!

(they both laugh. The psychiatrist looks dejected)

PSYCHIATRISTOh.

AGAMEMNONEither that or become king of the Greeks so you can take any slave girl you... I mean...

(Achilles is staring daggers at Agamemnon)

PSYCHIATRISTIsn’t it jolly to be all together like this! Agamemnon, why don’t you start us off.

AGAMEMNONAhem. I’m talking to Achilles now yeah? Okay, umm, Achilles, when you refuse to fight, it makes me feel angry.

13.

PSYCHIATRISTThank you for sharing that. Achilles, do you understand what Agamemnon is saying?

ACHILLESI’ve never criticized his grammar.

PSYCHIATRISTDo you understand his perspective?

ACHILLESYes.

PSYCHIATRISTExcellent. Now why don’t you share something?

ACHILLES

(rolls his eyes)Agamemnon, when you lead troops into battle, I always want to double-check your helmet’s on tight – in case someone steps on you.

AGAMEMNON

(squeaking with impotent rage as he leaps to his feet)

Is he talking about my height? Is that a reference to my height?

ACHILLESWell you wouldn’t make the basketball team...

AGAMEMNONI’m a guard. I’d play guard!

PSYCHIATRIST

(with a reproving eye at Achilles)Men, please. I’m sure Achilles is expressing a genuine concern for your welfare. Isn’t that right, Achilles?

(the men settle down)

AGAMEMNONWhen you talk disrespectfully to me when I’m standing before the men, it makes me feel embarrassed.

14.

ACHILLESOh, were you standing? I hear they do amazing things these days in heel risers.

PSYCHIATRISTAchilles!

ACHILLESWhat? Agamemnon, chief, I’ve gotta level with you: when we’re sitting down to feast, and I look over, and I see you chewing asparagus, I feel like I’m watching Fear Factor.

AGAMEMNONWhy, you ...

(calming himself a little)I bet you eat asparagus so nicely.

ACHILLESI cut it so its manageable instead of just ramming the whole spear down my mouth.

AGAMEMNONThat’s not what Patroclus told me.

ACHILLESWhat does that even mean? I have no idea what that means.

PSYCHIATRISTGentlemen! Please, let’s get back to the game.

AGAMEMNONTo hell with your game.

(to Achilles)Listen hotshot, I’ve had it up to here with you.

(he puts his hand above his head, realizes he’s only emphasizing his own shortness, and lowers it )

Two days from now, we’re gonna be out in the field again. You gonna be there or you gonna stay home and polish your sword with Patroclus?

ACHILLESThat depends on whether you publicly apologize for being such a buttmunch.

15.

AGAMEMNON

(getting squeaky)The only buttmunch I can see around here is you.

ACHILLESWell you won’t have to see it anymore... this buttmunch is going back to Greece!

AGAMEMNONAww, boo hoo!

ACHILLESBye, buttmunch.

AGAMEMNONBuh-bye munchy munch.

ACHILLESAu Revoir, munchface.

AGAMEMNONAuf Wiedersehen, munch head.

(before he stops in front of the shrink)Hey Shrinky, before I scram, there’s a feeling I want to share with you. Soon, we’re gonna go fight again. And if he’s not there, guess who will be?

(Pokes the Psychiatrist meaningfully in the chest and whispers.)

I’m putting you in the front.

(he leaves)

ACHILLES

(cheerful)That went well. I think everybody learned a lot.

PSYCHIATRIST

(traumatized, looking into space)He’s going to make me fight. I’m going to have to fight.

ACHILLESYou’ll like it. It’s fun. Exciting.

16.

PSYCHIATRISTThe only time I use my sword is to kill mice.

ACHILLESSo you’ve had plenty of practice.

PSYCHIATRISTThey’re already caught in the sticky trap.

(Achilles gets up to go. The psychiatrist collapses to the floor and grabs at his leg)

Achilles, wait! I’m not a fighter. I’ll be dead in two minutes.

(begins to weep as Achilles tries to shake him off)

Don’t go yet! I want you to try something for me. You think that you’re the best and that everything is beneath you–but I want you to practice saying yes for me, okay? No matter how silly something is, just say yes. Can do that for me? Please. Please.

ACHILLESYes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

(spotlight shifts to just him. Psychiatrist leaves, and the scene changes. PATROCLUS, an extremely effeminate gay man, enters.)

PATROCLUSHey Achey, what are you yessing about? Did you finally find curtains to match the duvet?

ACHILLESNo, it’s just something...

PATROCLUSI know, dummy, you told me. Doctor Big Brain wants you to stop being such a Betsy Bitch-alot.

ACHILLESThat’s not exactly how he put it, Patroclus.

PATROCLUSDon’t get fresh with me. You’re my slave now.

ACHILLESI’m not your slave.

17.

PATROCLUSYou have to say ‘yes’ to everything, don’t you?

ACHILLESNo.

PATROCLUSNaughty. I will whip you.

ACHILLESWhat do I have to do.

PATROCLUSHmm... How about some yes or yes questions. Is Pat the best-dressed soldier in the Greek army?

ACHILLESYes.

PATROCLUSI love it when you compliment me. Does Pat have the best hair in the Greek army?

ACHILLESYes.

PATROCLUSOh my god, stop, I’m blushing. What else... Is Pat the best....

ACHILLESBy Zeus you’ll make me even crazier like this.

PATROCLUSDon’t get snitty, I was just going to ask if I gave good massages.

ACHILLESYour massages are incredible.

PATROCLUSDon’t push me, bossy. I can take a hint.

(he begins to massage Achilles)Here’s a tough one. Does big strong Achilles, meanest of the Greeks, who make all the girls want to be him and all the boys be with him...

ACHILLESI think you got it backwards.

18.

PATROCLUSShush, I’m not done. Does Achilles, who plants his sword deep in every Trojan he meets and cooks an absolutely fierce omelette to boot, does Achilles love “I Love Lucy’?

ACHILLES

(getting up)That’s not fair.

PATROCLUSSit back down and say it. You love Lucille Ball.

ACHILLESNo. No. No. No.

PATROCLUSThat just gets my goat. You won’t admit it?

ACHILLESNever.

PATROCLUSThen here’s one for you. Are you ready to be wrestled into submission?

ACHILLESI’m ready for you to try.

(they wrestle and Achilles wins)Careful what you wish for, Patroclus.

PATROCLUSOh I got exactly what I wanted.

(There is a tense moment as they stare into each other’s eyes from just a few inches away. A MESSENGER enters.)

MESSENGERUh, is there an Achilles in there?

(Achilles springs to his feet, very embarrassed)

ACHILLESWhat is it you cur? Can’t you see we’re wrestling?

19.

PATROCLUS

(dreamily)At the Olympics, they wrestle in the nude.

MESSENGERMy bad if I, like interrupted anything. I got a message for you.

ACHILLESAnother already? Fine. I keep them in the back.

MESSENGERSorry, bro what?

ACHILLESSlave girls.

MESSENGEROh no, its not like that. I’m sure you have a super rad collection.

ACHILLESMaybe he’d like some wine. Patroclus, show him the best vintages.

MESSENGER

(laughing uneasily)Wrong again.

PATROCLUSDon’t mind him, dear, he’s got a bee in his bonnet over some hussy he met. What’s your message?

MESSENGERUh, it’s all here in this note.

(he begins to search for it in is clothes)I’m sure it’s somewhere here. Ahh!

(As he passes Achilles a note, a bag of pot falls out of his pocket and hits the ground)

Sorry.

(Achilles takes the note and begins to read it.)

20.

PATROCLUSWas that P.O.T.? You are so wicked.

(he begins picking at the Messenger’s ratty clothes.)

Where’d you get this, the Kelly Slater collection at K-mart? You could be really cute too.

MESSENGERI got a letter for you, too, man.

PATROCLUSReally? Shh. Give it here.

(reads it, says in an undertone)Agamemnon! That saucy dog.

(Achilles snorts at the contents of the letter. Patroclus hides his message)

What’s up Achey?

ACHILLESSo he wants me to fight? Thinks I’ll come running when he whistles?

MESSENGER We need you, bro. We’re getting hammered out there. Wasted. Stoned!

PATROCLUSWait, I can’t tell. Do you do drugs?

MESSENGERHector the Trojan is on a total rampage. Odysseus is down, Diomedes got poked in the eye real bad, even Agamemnon got hurt.

ACHILLESEven Agamemnon! Wow! Did he sprain his groin on Briseis?

MESSENGERUh yeah, I mean, it’s in his groin or whatever, but like honorably received. He’s begging you to fight, man, as a brother.

ACHILLESIsn’t that sweet. Do you have a brother, man?

21.

MESSENGERYeah, how’d you know?

ACHILLESAnd did that brother ever take your favorite toy?

MESSENGERHe took some of my dope once.

ACHILLESAnd then did he brutally rape it?

MESSENGERI think he smoked it.

ACHILLESSo you have no idea what I’m talking about.

MESSENGERYou’re on a pretty weird wavelength right now.

ACHILLESGood day, sir.

MESSENGERI guess. It’s supposed to rain later.

ACHILLESGood day, sir. Go!

MESSENGERWhat? You mean you’re not going to fight?

ACHILLESYes!

MESSENGERSo you are going to fight!

(Achilles looks at him)Oh you mean, yes like no. That reminds me of a joke I heard. There’s like two rabbis, right? or was it three rabbis.

(Achilles pushes him off stage)

22.

MESSENGER (OFF)How rude.

ACHILLESFinally. Where were we. I think I was showing you some advanced holds.

(he tries to grapple with Patroclus)

PATROCLUS

(pushing him off)Stop it. Cut it out. You didn’t have to be so mean to him.

ACHILLESAll I want is a proper apology from Agamemnon.

PATROCLUSBut they’re dying out there!

ACHILLESThe more reason he should be humble.

PATROCLUSAchey!

ACHILLESNO.

(Patroclus folds his arms and acts upset)Come on, Patroclus, don’t be mad. What can I get you? Let’s go to Neiman Marcus and buy that sweater you were looking at.

PATROCLUSUh-uh Achey, I’m not taking any more of your blood sweaters. You’re in the dog house and there’s only one way out for you. They have to see you fighting...

ACHILLESPat...

PATROCLUS

(putting up a finger to shush him)...Whether you’re actually there or not.

ACHILLESWhat?

23.

PATROCLUSIf you won’t fight, then I’ll just have to wear your armor and fight for you.

ACHILLESHuh?

PATROCLUSIt’s perfect. Don’t you see? You get to hang out and watch your favorite TV show, but meanwhile everybody thinks you’re out fighting!

ACHILLESThat’s crazy, Patroclus.

PATROCLUSI know! It’s like RuPaul meets Russell Crowe. I love it.

ACHILLESWhat if something happens to you.

PATROCLUS

(waving dismissively)As if. Those trojans will melt before me like ice cubes in a horses’ rect-

ACHILLESPatroclus! I won’t let you.

PATROCLUSAchilles!

ACHILLESNO.

PATROCLUS

(pausing meaningfully)What did you just say?

ACHILLESI said, uh, I can’t allow that.

PATROCLUSNo, you said...

24.

ACHILLESI said.... Na-

PATROCLUS

(trying to help him say it)N..o? It’s one thing to deny that little calzone Agamemnon. But Doctor Big Brain really cares about you. He wants you to get better. I want you to get better. Are you really going to say ‘no’ again?

ACHILLESWell...

PATROCLUSHooray! Thanks Achilles, I knew you could do it.

ACHILLESBut I didn’t say...

PATROCLUSTush, Achilles, we can chitchat later. The battle is raging out there and men are dropping like towels at a gay spa, and I need to do a few alterations on your armor.

ACHILLESWhat in Zeus’s name is wrong with my armor?

PATROCLUSThose greaves, honey. Orange? Really? You’re an ass kicking warrior, not a little Dutch schoolboy. Now, where did I leave my leather thong...

(Rising MUSIC drowns out his fading voice. Lights fade. The music stops abruptly when Achilles ROARS. The lights come back on to reveal Achilles on one side of the couch and the Psychiatrist on the other.)

ACHILLESI said Yes! I said Yes! I said Yes, doctor and now he’s DEAD!

(leaps over the couch and grabs the psychologist by the collar)

Hector, you bastard!

(He collapses to the floor and begins to weep.)

25.

PSYCHIATRISTThere, there, Achilles. You don’t have to blame yourself. It’s not your fault.

ACHILLES

(suddenly leaping to his feet)Of course it’s not. It’s yours!

(he chases the psychiatrisst around the room, drawing his sword)

Who told me to say ‘yes’ to everything, huh? Who told me to be more life-affirming? I’m Achilles. I don’t affirm life. I destroy it.

(He is about to kill the psychiatrist when he breaks down again)

Just like I destroyed Patroclus.

PSYCHIATRISTThis is a very trying time, I know. But you need to think of a time when you were really genuinely happy.

ACHILLES

(springing to his feet, reenacting his glory)Why, sure, the time at Crete when I strangled the king with his own sacred snake or in thebattle of Phyrgia when I skewered three men on the same toothpick...

PSYCHIATRISTNo, no, no. I don’t mean a time when you killed someone or won glory, but you weresimply happy.

ACHILLESWell... promise you won’t tell anyone. You have this idee fixe about my mom, that shedoesn’t care about me, but actually she worried a lot about me coming over here.She, uhh, sent me into hiding before the war, on the isle of Lesbos.

PSYCHIATRISTIsn’t that an all-woman community?

(Achilles nods)So you dressed like a... and acted like a...

26.

ACHILLESNo killing, no conquering, no stressing about how many wives you widowed that day and whether Ajax had widowed more–it was a change of pace, okay?

PSYCHIATRISTThere are no judgements here Achilles.

ACHILLESThe days passed so quickly. We did our all own weaving and cooking, you know. And my hair was so long back then, oh my God, it was like such a hassle. I remember this one time I was giving my friend Ashley a double conch so she’d look like, you know, Princess Leia, but I messed up and our hair was like literally tied together, haha. So Gorgon.

PSYCHIATRISTAnd have you kept up doing these simple things?

HTTP://WWW.ES-VILLAGE.COM/IMAGES/HOME_SLIDE1.JPGACHILLES

Well, yes. Or, I did. But then...

(crying)

PSYCHIATRISTOh. There, there.

ACHILLESHe was so sweet, you know. He loved crepe paper and knitting and decoupage. Can you believe I didn’t even know decoupage was until I met him?

(laughing) I thought it was something you did to prisoners of war.

(beginning to cry again)And now I love it too.

PSYCHIATRISTHave you done any decoupage since his death?

ACHILLESLike, a project to honor him?

PSYCHIATRISTWell, sure.

27.

ACHILLESThere’s this hideous rocking chair he loved, I kept trying to throw it out but he had like this sixth sense about it. I could do something with that....

PSYCHIATRISTSure.

ACHILLESI’ll paste cutouts of his favorite things, kitchsy wine jars from Corinth and light opera from Thebes and nude statuary.

PSYCHIATRISTThat sounds like a great idea, Achilles. Really great.

MESSENGER (OFF STAGE)

(faintly)Achilles!

ACHILLESWhat was that?

MESSENGER (OFF STAGE)Achilles!

ACHILLESSomeone’s calling my name.

PSYCHIATRISTI think it’s the wind.

MESSENGER (OFF STAGE)Achilles! We’re going to fight.

ACHILLES

(springing to his feet)They’re going to fight.

PSYCHIATRISTOh they’re always fighting.

ACHILLESI must arm.

28.

PSYCHIATRISTMust?

ACHILLESThetis my mother asked the smith-God Haephestus to make me new armor.

PSYCHIATRISTThat sounds unlikely.

ACHILLESThe God has forged a breast plate which no man can pierce.

PSYCHIATRISTReally.

ACHILLESHector! Beware! I shall smite you where you stand.

PSYCHIATRISTBut not now, surely–we still have twenty minutes left in the session.

ACHILLESShall we chatter like women or fight like men?

PSYCHIATRISTThat’s an entirely unhelpful, and I must add, somewhat sexist dichotomy. And what about your decoupage project?

ACHILLESI haven’t forgotten. I shall cut out pictures of little boys – and paste them with the blood of Hector.

(he leaves, laughing hysterically. (The lights dim and Chorus enters. In a moment, Achilles and a masked figure are fighting silently around her.)

MUSIC: Bloodshed and killing and goreAre these good things to enjoy?Shrinky would say noBut he is aloneIn Ancient Greece No peace

29.

They love war more than Dick CheneyWhen will they learn to channelTheir passion into something healthy like football

(Chorus leaves. Achilles enters wearing a dress, carrying a bloody sword in one hand and dragging the body of HECTOR with the other.)

ACHILLESLook Doc! I got him!

PSYCHIATRISTI see that.

ACHILLESI killed him!

PSYCHIATRISTCongratulations.

ACHILLESI got him!

PSYCHIATRISTAny reason you’re wearing a dress?

ACHILLESSorry, can’t talk now, gotta go!

(Achilles leaves, dragging Hector. The Psychiatrist turns his tape recorder back on)

PSYCHIATRISTJust as I suspected, eliminating the enemy brought no relief to his symptoms. He is manic, incoherent, repetitious, and garbed in strange attire.

(Achilles returns, still dragging Hector and wearing a different dress)

ACHILLESHey doc! What’s up?

30.

PSYCHIATRISTNothing. What’s up with you?

ACHILLESI’ve been dragging Hector’s body around Pat’s funeral pyre.

PSYCHIATRISTThat sounds... tiring.

ACHILLESI’ve been doing it all morning.

PSYCHIATRISTWhy?

ACHILLESSorry, can’t talk, gotta go!

(As Achilles leaves, the messenger enters)

MESSENGERHey, shrink, my man! Everybody in camp’s talking about you. You’re the guy who put Achilles’ head straight.

PSYCHIATRISTI’m concerned to hear he’s been dragging Hector’s body around all morning?

MESSENGERI know it’s crazy, right? Just going around in circles.

PSYCHIATRISTWhat is it? Is his head straight or does he go in the circles!

MESSENGERWhat’s your beef man? He got Hector. Anyway it’s whatever. I got a message for you.

(As he hands the Psychiatrist a note, a bag of pot falls out of his tunic.)

Oh shit, sorry.

PSYCHIATRIST

(ecstatically)I don’t have to fight! I don’t have to fight! Agamemnon says I don’t have to fight.

31.

MESSENGERYeah man I don’t like fighting either. It’s like so dangerous. Oh, I almost forgot. The big guy got you this slave girl.

(clapping his hands)Girl!

PSYCHIATRISTA slave girl? For me? He shouldn’t have...

(Slave girl enters wearing a dress and with her back to us, does a sexy dance. She turns, revealing that “she” is played by the same actor who played Patroclus.)

She’s just so ... manly. Are you sure that’s not a man?

MESSENGERSo I’m not the only one! That takes a load off my mind, man, I thought I was still tripping. Alright, laters.

(Messenger leaves. The slave girl stands, while the Psychiatrist rejoices)

PSYCHIATRISTI don’t have to fight, I don’t have to fight.

SLAVE GIRLShould I take my clothes off now or later.

PSYCHIATRISTOh, you... you’re free to go. Scram. Beat it. I don’t have to fight!

SLAVE GIRLThank you sir, thank you so much.

(Achilles bursts in, still dragging Hector)

ACHILLESHey Doc! Guess what I’ve been doing?

PSYCHIATRISTDragging Hector’s body around Patroclus’s funeral pyre.

32.

ACHILLESYup. Three days now! Hey who’s that? She looks just like Patroclus.

PSYCHIATRISTThere is a slight resemblance.

ACHILLES

(draws his sword)You’re coming with me wench.

SLAVE GIRLI... I... But...

ACHILLESThat’s not how Patroclus talked at all. More of a lisp.

SLAVE GIRL

(lisping slightly)But I’ve just been set free!

ACHILLESThat’s better. Now hold your hands like this. Good. Now sashay! More! More!

(they leave. Enter HELEN)

HELENGreek. Quiet. One word and I gut you where you stand!

PSYCHIATRIST

(hands up)

Has the world gone mad?

HELENI am Helen, most beautiful of mortals! Gods swoon before me! Alone I infiltrated the Greek camp. Do you surrender!

PSYCHIATRISTWhatever you want, just please don’t kill me.

33.

HELENDeliver to me the body of Hector, prince among men!

PSYCHIATRISTI would but Achilles has him. Very possessive.

HELENDo you refuse?

PSYCHIATRISTNo, no... God you’re hot.

HELENYou’re pretty hot too.

PSYCHIATRISTYou think?

HELENNo! You look like Cyclops but without any of the charm. Oh Hera, youmen are all the same. Not Hector, though, he was different.

PSYCHIATRISTFaithful to his wife?

HELENThe one with the big mole on her chin? As if.

PSYCHIATRISTThen...

HELENWhy do you think he ever agreed to fight Achilles? He was brave, not dumb. He wanted to die.

PSYCHIATRIST

(with dawning insight)He lost a friend in battle.

HELENSure. A friend. Just like me and Paris.

34.

PSYCHIATRISTYou mean... this is all very confusing.

(looking around) Someone’s coming.

HELENOne word, Greek, one word! and I spit you like rotisserie chicken.

(Helen hides. Achilles enters, dragging the body of Hector.)

ACHILLESHey Doc, guess what I’ve been doing!

PSYCHIATRISTHave you started on that decoupage project yet?

ACHILLESAw, naw. I’ve been talking to some of the boys and they said it was sissy. Thanks for that slave girl by the way, she’s working out great.

PSYCHIATRISTAchilles, I’ve been thinking. Have you ever considered that perhaps the Patroclus was more than a friend to you? That maybe the way you thought you saw the Briseis was actually the way you saw Patroclus?

ACHILLESLike I would kiss him and stuff? Aww naw. That’s weird.

PSYCHIATRISTYe-es but... I have a little test for you. It’s a very modern, very advanced psychological test, It’s going to help us get right to the root of things. Helen!

(He claps his hands. A spotlight goes on behind the sheet, silhouetting Helen, who dances and sings in a sexy way. Achilles approaches her slowly and suspiciously, while the psychiatrist, driven mad by her charms, is rutting like a dog in heat)

MUSIC: Helen’s song

35.

Hey mister big shot you think that you’ve had a womanAllow me to introduce myself my name is HelenI’ve had a man or two or three or eight or twentyI may not remember them but they remember meI was living in old Greece when the Trojan Paris took meHe wasn’t big on subtlety he said I got me some Grecian (silly noise)I been here for nearly ten years it’s gettin to be slow goingYou won’t judge me: I done used the whole pack of Trojans.You are the one who could have all the funYou might be a tough guy on the outside let’s see you keep your hands off Helen.

(Whistling FADE OUT)

ACHILLESAlright Helen. Put your hands up!

(Helen’s thumbs are hooked under her skirt and it rises with her hands)

And no funny business!

HELENDon’t you want me?

ACHILLESAs a captive. What glory shall accrue to me this moment!

PSYCHIATRISTWait Achilles, Achilles, slow down. This is astounding. Don’t you see it?

ACHILLESAll I see is a wench in need of subduing!

HELENYou men, always thinking with your sword.

PSYCHIATRISTBut that’s just it. A breakthrough. Your resistance to this female’s supernatural attractions is clearly indicative of a unique psychic disposition. Why, most men in your place would be literally incapacitated with lust.

HELENI am the most beautiful woman alive. They did a study.

36.

PSYCHIATRISTThat you are able to contain your sexual urges can only mean one thing.

ACHILLESOf course, it’s obvious. I am superior to all other men!

PSYCHIATRISTMore like...

ACHILLESBetter looking?

PSYCHIATRISTNot exactly...

ACHILLESA faster runner?

HELENEhh...

ACHILLESFitter, healthier, smarter? Better at matching wine with fish?

PSYCHIATRISTHow to put this...

HELENYou’re gay, dude!

PSYCHIATRISTYour romantic proclivities run towards members of your own gender.

ACHILLESEverybody enjoys a boy from time to time.

HELENHe’s talking big boys, Achilles. MEN.

PSYCHIATRISTSpecifically, your long time companion Patroclus...

ACHILLESSo you think that I... and he... were actually...

37.

PSYCHIATRISTAs your psychiatrist –

HELENDefinitely.

ACHILLESZeus.

(takes sword out, toys with it, laughing a little to himself)

And here I was, thinking we were John Wayne and Cary Grant. When really we were Rock Hudson and Montgomery Clift.

(beat)I guess I owe you a thank you, doc. I’ve never properly expressed my gratitude for what you’ve done for me. Or, for that matter, my compunction about what I’ve done to you. I tried to kill you.

PSYCHIATRISTOh Tosh.

ACHILLESI’m sorry. You too, Helen. Sorry for being difficult.

HELENYou’re supposed to be difficult. You’re a hero.

ACHILLESBut I’m not a hero, I’m a person!

(laughs cheerlessly)An impossible person. Yes, this time, even for me, “the great Achilles,” – this time the enemy’s too powerful. I cannot overcome him. And when the only other option is defeat, the warrior chooses death. Good bye.

(makes ready to commit suicide by jabbing himself in the stomach)

PSYCHIATRIST, HELENNo! Stop!

38.

ACHILLESWhy? I’m doomed. I’m in the clutches of the pink cowboy! The rainbow rabbit! Can you save me from the puffy meringue?

PSYCHIATRISTAt this era, there are no therapeutic solutions...

ACHILLESYou see!

(raises sword)

PSYCHIATRIST, HELEN NO!

(Agamemnon bursts in)

AGAMEMNONNO!

(with help from the others, Agamemnon wrestles the sword away from Achilles)

Have you lost your frickin mind, kid? Are you goofy? And who is that...Helen!?

(his scattered thoughts slowly turn to angry focus)

Shrinky....

PSYCHIATRISTMy Lord Agamemnon, what a pleasant surprise. Have some wine? I hope we haven’t disturbed your sleep with our games...

AGAMEMNON

(very mad)Don’t toy with me, shrinky. Sweet mother, that’s my best man right there!

PSYCHIATRISTThe truth is, the patient has just learned some rather troubling news about himself. He is, it would seem, a gay.

(There is a BEAT as a dumbfound Agamemnon takes this in.

39.

Taking advantage of their inattention, Achilles sneaks a secret dagger from his dress and tries to kill himself.)

ALLNo!

(they try to wrestle the dagger away from him)

AGAMEMNONWho told him that? Did you tell him that?

PSYCHIATRISTIt was impossible to keep it from him after he failed the test.

AGAMEMNON

(finally grabbing the dagger away from him, panting heavily)

What test?

HELENHe wasn’t attracted to me.

AGAMEMNONAnd?

(she gives him a ‘duh’ look)No, really!? not attracted? You? Crazy.

(Achilles takes a bottle of poison from his purse)

ALLNO!

(they wrestle the bottle of poison away from him)

AGAMEMNONYou’ve got to stop him, Shrinky. Say something.

PSYCHIATRISTt present, Achilles the psychological community would agree you have a serious problem. But these things change.

40.

Did you know we used to think pacifism was an incurable psychosis? And now we know that it’s just a morbid neurosis. Who can guess what the world will have to say about homo-sex... you know, the thing. Maybe it’s not that bad.

ACHILLESIf it’s not that bad, say it out loud.

PSYCHIATRISTHo-mo...

ACHILLESLook doc, it’s great to be “redeemed by posterity” and everything but– I need to be honored now. You know I’m all about that lifestyle. And if I come out as gay? Then I’ll just be one of “those boys,” running around, drinking Rosé and decoupaging so much you can’t even find the light switch.

(beat)If only I could find one other noble Greek who would come out with me.

PSYCHIATRISTJust one?

ACHILLESJust one...

(everybody looks at Agamemnon)

AGAMEMNONWhat?

HELENOh you Greeks drive me nuts. In Troy if you’re gay, no biggie.

(flashes an E with her fingers)Eastside! You know we’re cooler than you Western imperialist tight-asses. Why don’t you come join us big guy? They’d eat you up.

ACHILLESReally?

AGAMEMNONI dunno, maybe you better just...

(draws finger across throat)

41.

HELENAgamemon!?

(to Achilles)Come on, Achilles. Join us! Take a walk on the Wild Side.

(Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed starts to play, and Achilles gets up, looking like he’s ready to take “the next step”. Then he waves ‘stop’ and the music ceases.)

ACHILLESNo, no, no. It’s not right. I’m sorry, Helen. You mean the best. But I can’t just switch sides. I would really be letting the squad down! And if they won’t accept me, then what else can I do?

AGAMEMNONLive a double life by publicly masquerading as an archetypal heterosexual while secretly indulging in shameful same-sex relations?

(everybody stares daggers at him as he mumbles on)

Hey, I dunno, just a thought....

ACHILLESI’ve made up my mind. I’m going kill myself. It’s the only way.

HELENWait Achilles. I know it seems hopeless. But I feel like if you hold on for a moment, something might happen and we’ll all be saved.

AGAMEMNONWhat do you mean? Some sort of low-grade literary device?

HELENI can’t remember the name, it’s on the tip of my tongue...

PSYCHIATRISTI know what you’re talking about, ex, ex, something....

PATROCLUS

(blast of music, flashing lights, a puff of smoke.

42.

Patroclus enters, wearing a crown of laurel leaves and other indications of his elevation to immortality.)

Did somebody say gayus sex machina?

ALLPatroclus! We thought you were dead!

PATROCLUSI’m back, baby, and twice the fun. Hey Shrinky, hey Agamemnon (winks at him). Helen, you look fabulous,

(they exchange air kisses) as always. And, of course, Achilles.

ACHILLESPatroclus. So great to see you! But... Why aren’t you in Hades?

PATROCLUSAs if. You wouldn’t catch me dead down there.

(he pauses for a RIMSHOT) It was like a Walmart on a Sunday afternoon.

PSYCHIATRISTBut how did you get out?

PATROCLUS

(shrugging)I caught the big guy’s eye. I’m a demigod now. I’m the one you pray to if your interior design project’s on the rocks. Ditto your same-sex relationship.

ACHILLESWow, Pat, that’s great. Congratulations.

(goes in to give him a hug but Pat backs off)

PATROCLUSUmm, watch the laurel leaves honey. I’m kidding, but seriously if you touch me you’ll be incinerated. Also the boss would get jealous.

HELENYou know Zeus?

43.

PATROCLUSHow do you think I got admitted to Club Olympus? Let’s just say Zeus has certain needs that weren’t being met. Well, this is fun, but I can’t just stand around all day chatting. I came for a boy toy.

(calling)Messenger!

AGAMEMNON

(in an undertone)Uh, Patroclus, don’t spread this around, but since you’ve left there are certain needs I have that aren’t being met.

PATROCLUSOh really? Well there’s another new God in the pantheon now. Jesus Christ, I think he’s called. God of self-denial. Pray to him.

(Enter Messenger)

MESSENGERDid somebody call for me?

PATROCLUSYes, dear, your

(mugging for audience)services are required in the afterlife. Drink this.

(hands him bottle of poison)

MESSENGERWhat is it?

PATROCLUSBong water.

(Messenger shrugs, drinks it, and dies. Patroclus taps him and he comes back to life)

Well, sayonara everyone. Don’t forget to sacrifice to me. I like cute animals, kittens and such.

(to Messenger)Come on you. We got a party to get to.

44.

ACHILLESPatroclus, but, but... you can’t be leaving. I thought you came here to fix things. Aren’t you a...

PATROCLUSGayus Sex Machina.

ACHILLESYeah, that. And besides. I love you.

(all say, ‘aww’)We’re soulmates!

PATROCLUSThat’s putting it a little strong.

ACHILLESThen...

PATROCLUSGood friends?

(’oo’)

ACHILLESThat’s all we were to you?

PATROCLUSAchilles, listen. You were great. But I prefer a guy who’s a little less timid. I mean you never even let me get to first base.

(oo-oo!)

ACHILLESOh no, all alone, life ruined, honor gone. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, a God comes down and tells me hates me. Great.

(There is the sound of a BELL and Chorus enters and begins to sing.)

CHORUSWhat’s Achilles to do?It feels like they all hate you...

45.

PATROCLUSChorus! Will you kindly shut up. This ain’t Sophocles. No one’s going to kill themselves.

ACHILLESI’m not?

PATROCLUSNo! I hate the sight of blood. Besides, why would you? You’re the Golden Boy around here. You’re the Bee’s Knees. Outside this tent there is literally an army of single men, any one of whom would love to share your glory

(tiny BEAT)through a hole in the tent flap. And if you’re ever feeling down, well I wanna teach you a little song that you can sing to yourself. It’s a big hit in club afterlife right now.

(looking at orchestra)Hem Hem. My pitchpipe isn’t going to blow itself.

(note on recorder)Song

Patroclus:

We are Greeks and we like it that wayWe get greased up and we wrestle all dayYou can park your yacht in my port by the bay We are Greeks and we like it that way.

We are Greeks and we came here to sayWe were Greeks back then and we’re still Greek today.You can try all you like but we won’t go away!

All:

We are the Greeks; We we are Greek (rpt.)

46.