a sunrise on the veld.doc

7/22/2019 A Sunrise on the Veld.doc

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"A Sunrise on the Veld" by Doris Lessing

Every night that winter he said aloud into the dark of the pillow: Half-past fourHalf-past four till his brain had gripped the words and held the! fast #hen he fellasleep at on$e% as if a shutter had fallen& and lay with his fa$e turned to the $lo$k so thathe $ould see it first thing when he woke

't was half-past four to the !inute% every !orning #riu!phantly pressing downthe alar!-knob of the $lo$k% whi$h the dark half of his !ind had outwitted% re!ainingvigilant all night and $ounting the hours as he lay rela(ed in sleep% he huddled down fora last war! !o!ent under the $lothes% playing with the idea of lying abed for this on$eonly )ut he played with it for the fun of knowing that it was a weakness he $ould defeatwithout effort& *ust as he set the alar! ea$h night for the delight of the !o!ent when hewoke and stret$hed his li!bs% feeling the !us$les tighten% and thought: Even !y brain +even that ' $an $ontrol every part of !yself Lu(ury of war! rested body% with the ar!s and legs and fingers waiting likesoldiers for a word of $o!!and ,oy of knowing that the pre$ious hours were given tosleep voluntarily + for he had on$e stayed awake three nights running% to prove that he$ould% and then worked all day% refusing even to ad!it that he was tired& and now sleep

see!ed to hi! a servant to be $o!!anded and refused #he boy stret$hed his fra!e full-length% tou$hing the wall at his head with hishands% and the bedfoot with his toes& then he sprung out% like a fish leaping fro! water

And it was $old% $old He always dressed rapidly% so as to try and $onserve his night-war!th till the sunrose two hours later& but by the ti!e he had on his $lothes his hands were nu!bed andhe $ould s$ar$ely hold his shoes #hese he $ould not put on for fear of waking hisparents% who never $a!e to know how early he rose

As soon as he stepped over the lintel% the flesh of his soles $ontra$ted on the$hilled earth% and his legs began to a$he with $old 't was night: the stars wereglittering% the trees standing bla$k and still He looked for signs of day% for the greying ofthe edge of a stone% or a lightening in the sky where the sun would rise% but there was

nothing yet Alert as an ani!al he $rept past the dangerous window% standing poisedwith his hand on the sill for one proudly fastidious !o!ent% looking in at the stuffybla$kness of the roo! where his parents lay eeling for the grass-edge of the path with his toes% he rea$hed inside anotherwindow further along the wall% where his gun had been set in readiness the night before#he steel was i$y% and nu!bed fingers slipped along it% so that he had to hold it in the$rook of his ar! for safety #hen he tiptoed to the roo! where the dogs slept% and wasfearful that they !ight have been te!pted to go before hi!& but they were waiting% theirhaun$hes $rou$hed in relu$tan$e at the $old% but ears and swinging tails greeting thegun e$stati$ally His warning undertone kept the! se$ret and silent till the house was ahundred yards ba$k: then they bolted off into the bush% yelping e($itedly #he boyi!agined his parents turning in their beds and !uttering: #hose dogs again before

they were dragged ba$k in sleep& and he s!iled s$ornfully He always looked ba$k overhis shoulder at the house before he passed a wall of trees that shut it fro! sight 'tlooked so low and s!all% $rou$hing there under a tall and brilliant sky #hen he turnedhis ba$k on it He would have to hurry )efore the light grew strong he !ust be !iles away&and already a tint of green stood in the hollow of a leaf% and the air s!elled of !orningand the stars were di!!ing He slung the shoes over his shoulder% veld skoen that were $rinkled and hardwith the dews of a hundred !ornings #hey would be ne$essary when the ground


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be$a!e too hot to bear .ow he felt the $hilled dust push up between his toes% and helet the !us$les of his feet spread and settle into the shapes of the earth& and hethought: ' $ould walk a hundred !iles on feel like these ' $ould walk all day% and nevertire He was walking swiftly through the dark tunnel of foliage that in day-ti!e was aroad #he dogs were invisibly ranging the lower travelways of the bush% and he heard

the! panting So!eti!es he felt a $old !u//le on his leg before they were off again%s$outing for a trail to follow #hey were not trained% but free-running $o!panions of thehunt% who often tired of the long stalk before the final shots% and went off on their ownpleasure Soon he $ould see the!% s!all and wild-looking in a wild strange light% nowthat the bush stood tre!bling on the verge of $olour% waiting for the sun to paint earthand grass afresh #he grass stood to his shoulders& and the trees were showering a faint silveryrain He was soaked& his whole body was $len$hed in a steady shiver 0n$e he bent to the road that was newly s$ored with ani!al trails% and regretfullystraightened% re!inding hi!self that the pleasure of tra$king !ust wait till another day He began to run along the edge of a field% noting *erkily how it was fil!ed overwith fresh spiderweb% so that the long rea$hes of great bla$k $lods see!ed netted in

glistening grey He was using the steady lope he had learned by wat$hing the natives%the run that is a dropping of the weight of the body fro! one foot tot the ne(t in a slowbalan$ing !ove!ent that never tires% nor shortens the breath& and he felt the bloodpulsing down his legs and along his ar!s% and the e(ultation and pride of body !ountedin hi! till he was shutting his teeth hard against a violent desire to shout his triu!ph Soon he had left the $ultivated part of the far! )ehind hi! the bush was lowand bla$k 'n front was a long vlei% a$res of long pale grass that sent ba$k a hollowingglea! of light to a satiny sky .ear hi! thi$k swathes of grass were bent with the weightof water% and dia!ond drops sparkled on ea$h frond #he first bird woke at his feet and at on$e a flo$k of the! sprang into the air$alling shrilly that day had $o!e& and suddenly% behind hi!% the bush woke into song%and he $ould hear the guinea fowl $alling far ahead of hi! #hat !eant they would now

be sailing down fro! their trees into thi$k grass% and it was for the! he had $o!e: hewas too late )ut he did not !ind He forgot he had $o!e to shoot He set his legswide% and balan$ed fro! foot to foot% and swung his gun up and down in both handshori/ontally% in a kind of i!provised e(er$ise% and let his head sink ba$k till it waspillowed in his ne$k !us$les and wat$hed how above hi! s!all rosy $louds floated in alake of gold Suddenly it all rose in hi!: it was unbearable% and he leapt up into the air%shouting and yelling wild% unre$ognisable noises #hen he began to run% not $arefully%as he had before% but !adly% like a wild thing He was $lean $ra/y% yelling !ad with the

*oy of living and a superfluity of youth He rushed down the vlei under a tu!ult of$ri!son and gold% while all the birds of the world sang around hi! He ran in great%leaping strides% and shouted as he ran% feeling his body rise into the $risp rushing air and

fall ba$k surely on to sure feet& and thought briefly% not believing that su$h a thing $ouldhappen to hi!% that he $ould break his ankle any !o!ent% in this thi$k tangled grassHe $leared bushes like a duiker% leapt over ro$ks& and finally $a!e to a dead stop at apla$e where the ground fell abruptly away below hi! to the river 't had been a two-!ile-long dash through waist-high growth% and he was breathing hoarsely and $ould nolonger sing )ut he poised on a ro$k and looked down at stret$hes of water thatglea!ed through stooping trees% and thought suddenly% ' a! fifteen ifteen #he words$a!e new to hi!& so that he kept repeating the! wonderingly% with swelling e($ite!ent&and he felt the years of his life with his hands% as if he were $ounting !arbles% ea$h one


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hard and separate and $o!pa$t% ea$h one a wonderful shining thing #hat was what hewas: fifteen years of this ri$h soil% and this slow-!oving water% and air that s!elt like a$hallenge whether it was war! and sultry at noon% or as brisk as $old water% like it wasnow #here was nothing he $ouldn1t do% nothing A vision $a!e to hi!% as he stoodthere% like when a $hild hears the word "eternity" and tries to understand it% and ti!e

takes possession of the !ind He felt his life ahead of hi! as a great and wonderfulthing% so!ething that was his& and he said aloud% with the blood rushing to his head: allthe great !en of the world have been as ' a! now% and there is nothing ' $an1t be$o!e%nothing ' $an1t do& there is no $ountry in the world ' $annot !ake part of !yself% if '$hoose ' $ontain the world ' $an !ake of it what ' want 'f ' $hoose% ' $an $hangeeverything that is going to happen: it depends on !e% and what ' de$ide now #he urgen$y and the truth and the $ourage of what his voi$e was saying e(ultedhi! so that he began to sing again% at the top of his voi$e% and the sound went e$hoingdown the river gorge He stopped for the e$ho% and sang again: stopped and shouted#hat was what he was + he sang% if he $hose& and the world had to answer hi! And for !inutes he stood there% shouting and singing and waiting for the lovelyeddying sound of the e$ho& so that his own new strong thoughts $a!e ba$k and washing

round his head% as if so!eone were answering hi! and en$ouraging hi!& till the gorgewas full of soft voi$es $lashing ba$k and forth fro! ro$k to ro$k over the river And thenit see!ed as if there was a new voi$e He listened% pu//led% for it was not his ownSoon he was leaning forward% all his nerves alert% 2uite still: so!ewhere $lose to hi!there was a noise that was no *oyful bird% nor tinkle of falling water% nor ponderous!ove!ent of $attle #here it was again 'n the deep !orning hush that held his future and his past%was a sound of pain% and repeated over and over: it was a kind of shortened s$rea!% asif so!eone% so!ething% had no breath to s$rea! He $a!e to hi!self% looked abouthi!% and $alled for the dogs #hey did not appear& they had gone off on their ownbusiness% and he was alone .ow he was $lean sober% all the !adness gone His heartbeating fast% be$ause of that frightened s$rea!ing% he stepped $arefully off the ro$k and

went towards a belt of trees He was !oving $autiously% for not so long ago he had seena leopard in *ust this spot At the edge of the trees he stopped and peered% holding his gun ready& headvan$ed% looking steadily about hi!% his eyes narrowed #hen all at on$e% in the !iddleof a step% he faltered% and his fa$e was pu//led He shook his head i!patiently% as if hedoubted his own sight #here% between two trees% against a ba$kground of gaunt bla$k ro$ks% was afigure fro! a drea!% a strange beast that was horned and drunken-legged% but likeso!ething he had never even i!agined 't see!ed to be ragged 't looked like a s!allbu$k that had bla$k ragged tufts of fur standing up irregularly all over it% with pat$hes ofraw flesh beneath but the pat$hes of rawness were disappearing under !oving bla$kand $a!e again elsewhere& and all the ti!e the $reature s$rea!ed% in s!all gasping

s$rea!s% and leaped drunkenly fro! side to side% as if it were blind #hen the boy understood: it wasa bu$k He ran $loser% and again stood still%stopped by a new fear Around hi! the grass was whispering and alive He lookedwildly about% and then down #he ground was bla$k with ants% great energeti$ ants thattook no noti$e of hi!% but hurried and s$urried towards the fighting shape% like glisteningbla$k water flowing through the grass And% as he drew in his breath and pity and terror sei/ed hi!% the beast fell andthe s$rea!ing stopped .ow he $ould hear nothing but one bird singing% and the soundof the rustling% whispering ants


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He peered over at the writhing bla$kness that *erked $onvulsively with the *erkingnerves 't grew 2uieter #here were s!all twit$hes fro! the !ass that still lookedvaguely like the shape of a s!all ani!al 't $a!e into his !ind that he should shoot it and end its pain& and he raised thegun #hen he lowered it again #he bu$k $ould no longer feel& its fighting was a!e$hani$al protest of the nerves )ut it was not that whi$h !ade hi! put down the gun

't was a swelling feeling of rage and !isery and protest that e(pressed itself in thethought: if ' had not $o!e it would have died like this: so why should ' interfere3 Allover the bush things like this happen& they happen all the ti!e& this is how life goes on%by living things dying in anguish He gripped the gun between his knees and felt in hisown li!bs the !yriad swar!ing pain of the twit$hing ani!al that $ould no longer feel%and set his teeth% and said over and over under his breath: ' $an1t stop it ' $an1t stop it#here is nothing ' $an do He was glad that he did not have to !ake a de$ision to kill it even when he wasfeeling with his whole body: this is what happens% this is how things work It was right+ that was what he was feeling It was right and nothing could alter it #he knowledge of fatality% of what has to be% had gripped hi! and for the firstti!e in his life& and he was left unable to !ake any !ove!ent of brain or body% e($ept to

say: "4es% yes #hat is what living is" 't had entered his flesh and his bones and grownin to the furthest $orners of his brain and would never leave hi! And at that !o!ent he$ould not have perfor!ed the s!allest a$tion of !er$y% knowing as he did% having livedon it all his life% the vast% unalterable% $ruel veld% where at any !o!ent one nightstu!ble over a skull or $rush the skeleton of so!e s!all $reature Suffering% si$k% and angry% but also gri!ly satisfied with his new stoi$is!% hestood there leaning on his rifle% and wat$hed the seething bla$k !ound grown s!aller

At his feet% now% were ants tri$kling ba$k with pink frag!ents in their !ouths% and therewas a fresh a$id s!ell in his nostrils He sternly $ontrolled the uselessly $onvulsing!us$les of his e!pty sto!a$h% and re!inded hi!self: the ants !ust eat too At thesa!e ti!e he found that the tears were strea!ing down his fa$e% and his $lothes weresoaked with the sweat of that other $reature1s pain

#he shape had grown s!all .ow it looked like nothing re$ognisable He did notknow how long it was before he saw the bla$kness thin% and bits of white showedthrough% shining in the sun + yes% there was the sun% *ust up% glowing over the ro$ks5hy% the whole thing $ould not have taken longer than a few !inutes He began to swear% as if the shortness of the ti!e was in itself unbearable% usingthe words he had heard his father say He strode forward% $rushing ants with ea$h step%and brushing the! off his $lothes% till he stood above the skeleton% whi$h lay sprawledunder a s!all bush 't was $lean-pi$ked 't !ight have been lying there years% save thaton the white bone were pink frag!ents of gristle About the bones ants were ebbingaway% their pin$ers full of !eat #he boy looked at the!% big bla$k ugly inse$ts A few were standing and ga/ingup at hi! with s!all glittering eyes

"6o away" he said to the ants% very $oldly "' a! not for you + not *ust yet% atany rate 6o away" And he fan$ied that the ants turned and went away He bent over the bones and tou$hed the so$kets in the skull% that was where theeyes were% he thought in$redulously% re!e!bering the li2uid dark eyes of a bu$k Andthen he bent the sli! foreleg bone% swinging it hori/ontally in his pal! #hat !orning% perhaps an hour ago% this s!all $reature had been steppingproudly and free through the bush% feeling the $hill on its hide even as he hi!self haddone% e(hilarated by it 7roudly stepping the earth% tossing its horns% frisking a prettywhite tail% it had sniffed the $old !orning air 5alking like kings and $on2uerors it had


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!oved through this fee-held bush% where ea$h blade of grass grew for it alone% andwhere the river ran pure sparkling water for its slaking And then + what had happened3 Su$h a swift surefooted thing $ould surely notbe trapped by a swar! of ants3 #he boy bent $uriously to the skeleton #hen he saw that the ba$k leg that layupper!ost and strained out in the tension of death% was snapped !idway in the thigh% so

that broken bones *utted over ea$h other uselessly So that was it Li!ping into the ant-!asses it $ould not es$ape% on$e it had sensed the danger 4es% but how had the legbeen broken3 Had it fallen% perhaps3 '!possible% a bu$k was too light and gra$efulHad so!e *ealous rival horned it3 5hat $ould possibly have happened3 7erhaps so!e Afri$ans had thrownstones at it% as they do% trying to kill it for !eat% and had broken its leg 4es% that !ustbe it Even as he i!agined the $rowd of running% shouting natives% and the flyingstones% and the leaping bu$k% another pi$ture $a!e into his !ind He saw hi!self% onany one of these bright ringing !ornings% drunk with e($ite!ent% taking a snap shot atso!e half-seen bu$k He saw hi!self with the gun lowered% wondering whether he had!issed or not& and thinking at last that it was late% and he wanted his breakfast% and it

was not worth while to tra$k !iles after an ani!al that would very likely get away fro!hi! in any $ase or a !o!ent he would not fa$e it He was a s!all boy again% ki$king sulkily atthe skeleton% hanging his head% refusing to a$$ept the responsibility #hen he straightened up% and looked down at the bones with an odd e(pressionof dis!ay% all the anger gone out of hi! His !ind went 2uite e!pty& all around hi! he$ould see tri$kles of ants disappearing into the grass #he whispering noise was faintand dry% like the rustling of a $ast snakeskin At last he pi$ked up his gun and walked ho!ewards He was telling hi!self halfdefiantly that he wanted his breakfast He was telling hi!self that it was getting very hot%!u$h too hot to be out roa!ing the bush 8eally% he was tired He walked heavily% not looking where he put his feet

5hen he $a!e without sight of his ho!e he stopped% knitting his brows #here wasso!ething he had to think out #he death of that s!all ani!al was a thing that$on$erned hi!% and was by no !eans finished with it 't lay at the ba$k of his !indun$o!fortably Soon% the very ne(t !orning% he would get $lear of everybody and go to the bushand think about it

a sunrise on the veld.doc

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