a short short book of short short stories

7/31/2019 A Short Short Book of Short Short Stories

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I've come to the realization that the world doesn't have enough books with just

short stories. I think that the world needs more books with short stories in

them. And not just any old short stories, but short stories filled with comedy.

And evil cannibal hobo men and wannabe gangsta white guy ninjas of course.

So I've decided to write those books. Starting with this one of course. There

might be a little bit of randomness in this book. And I might get off subject andstart to ramble on about nothing every once in a while. But the main point of

this book will be short stories.

KIDS ON THE BLOCK

The kids on the block were known for being loud, obnoxious, and completely

oblivious to the obvious. Their ages varied from early elementary to mid high

school. One thing was known, all the kids were very close friends. They took

advantage of the time they had together. They had known each other for what

seemed like an eternity. They spent almost every summer together. Their late

night trips to the park were always looked forward to.as they grew older theirtrips became fewer and fewer. After a while they started to graduate from high

school and move away. Over the years many new kids had moved onto the

block. The new kids never stayed long, but they were always welcome to join in

on our fun. It's been many years since we've all been together. I believe,

however, we will be reunited someday. I have a feeling that our children will be

much closer than we ever were. But for now we can only hope that technology

doesn't fail us any time soon. And for some odd reason there's some evil

cannibal hobo man and some wannabe gangsta white guy ninja following us

around. I don't think the ninja realizes that he isn't as sneaky and cunning as

he thinks he is.

RED KOOLAID

I'm seriously tempted to give the evil hobo and the wannabe ninja some

cyanide laced red koolaid. It'll be like Jonestown all over again. So I don't drink

red koolaid unless someone I know and trust or I make it. I don't trust most

people who make red koolaid. So I advise you to take precautions with who you

let make red koolaid; but only if you value your life. But on the other hand it

would make someone's murder look like a suicide. And if you're extremely

convincing it would definitely look like a suicide. But, people might think that

you're trying to rip off Jim Jones. It would be a lot easier than trying to copy

Charles Manson. My advice to you, drink any other color of koolaid than red.

Although I don't know how stupid the evil cannibal hobo and the wannabe

gangsta white guy ninja are. Of course they could be dumber than a box of

rocks for all I know. Anyway, don't drink red koolaid. Trust me, it's for the best.

Maybe we should get rid of red Kool-Aid all together.

SWIMMING POOLS and PLAYPLACES


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So I've noticed that swimming pools and play places are very dangerous places

to be. Like when you're in a swimming pool and you scrape your toe against

the bottom of the pool. Or when you bump your leg against one of the stairs in

the playplace. They're also very, very dirty. Do you realize how many kids have

probably peed in that pool before you got in? Or how many kids have gotten

sick in that playplace? I bet there are a ton of adults who have peed in thatpool too. I honestly don't think that I'm going to allow my kids to play in the

playplaces. I think I might just get a swimming pool for my backyard. The

swimming pool will go up to 6 feet of course. I might even get a playplace built

for them. There are 2 rules though. 1.There will be no peeing in my pool. And

number 2.There will be no throwing up in my playplace. If you break these

rules you will be banned forever. Are there any questions? Well to bad cause I

don't care. I'll have to be careful of the evil hobo and the wannabe ninja. They

might try to get in.

HOW NOW BROWN COW?

I think something might be wrong with all the cows. All of the cows I've seen so

far this morning were lying down. So what does it mean when cows lie down? I

heard that it means that it's going to rain. I think it means something

completely different. Cows are amazing creatures if you think it about it. I

mean they give us milk and beef. Cows are also very interesting. They come in

different colors. Such as brown, black, and black and white. They also stand

around all day and eat grass. Except for when they lie down. Of course they

might be lying down because the evil hobo and wannabe ninja are close. I find

that to be the most reasonable explanation for why cows lie down. Oh yeah I

forgot; if black and white cows make white milk do brown cows make chocolate

milk? And what about black cows? Do they make black milk? Ewe that's gross

to even think about, never mind. I think I'll stick to drinking red koolaid.

PIRATES vs. NINJAS (and evil cannibal hobos)

I would like to talk to you about this pirates vs. ninjas issue. I used to be one

those people who thought that ninjas would win every time. I then came to the

realization that when the ninja went to attack the pirate could just shoot the

ninja. I quickly switched sides. I then decided to switch sides once again. I then

switched sides to evil cannibal hobos. I've decided that evil cannibal hobos are

better than pirates and ninjas combined. I mean normally when you think of a

hobo, you think of some guy lying on the side of the road. And they're not just

any old hobos, they're cannibal hobos. But they're also evil cannibal hobos,

which makes them like 100 times harder to kill. So all in all pirates and ninjas

can eat it. Evil cannibal hobos pown all other villains. Team E.C.H. for all time.

Unless a team of unicorns and leprechauns emerges. When that happens I will

switch teams once again. But until that day comes I will be team E.C.H.


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SUPER MARIO LOVES SHROOMS

I always laugh at the thought of Super Mario. He thinks that he's some guy in a

video game. When in reality he's just some guy that everyone tolerates. He's

just some guy that goes around eating different colored mushrooms and

jumping on turtles. He really does have a brother named Luigi. But Luigi's onlyreal part in this is that he tried to have Mario committed. Peach and Daisy are

just friends that Mario thought were really pretty sisters. Their real names are

Penelope and Destiny. Yoshi is really just some old Japanese guy. Bowser is just

a really overweight guy named Benjamin. He is kind of a bully though. Wario

and Waluigi are Mario's cousins, James and Austin, who stopped talking to

Mario after he started doing drugs. The people he forgot to talk about were the

evil hobo and wannabe ninja. Even though they were a huge part of his life.

They're probably the reason he started doing shrooms. He was a very

respectable plumber until he started doing shrooms. After he started doing

shrooms his life went to crap.

WHAT ARE DUCKS?

Have you ever noticed how strange ducks are? I'm being completely serious

right now. I mean what kind of sound is quack? Really? Who came up with

these things? I bet ducks are part of an alien race. Or they're all some kind of

robot built by NASA. Ok so not all ducks are robots built by NASA. The ones

that were here before NASA Came along are aliens. Although it might not have

been NASA or aliens that put them here. It might have been the evil hobo or

the wannabe ninja. They put them here to distract us so they could plot to take

over the world. Or ducks just started popping up randomly everywhere. If they

aren't robots and they aren't aliens, than what are they? And don't give methis; they're just cute little animals junk. Ducks are evil, bloodthirsty, vicious,

psychotic creatures. They are not to be trusted. They would sooner chop off a

hand than snuggle up to you. They are completely insane. But that just makes

me like ducks that much more.

I WANT A MONKEY

I think that if I were to get a pet, I would want some kind of monkey. If I were to

get a monkey I would want it to be a ring tailed lemur. I would name it Momo

like off of Avatar. I kind of want a spider monkey too. If I got a spider monkey, I

would name it Georgie. Chimps would be fun, but they can be extremelyvicious. Me, getting a chimp would be like those people who get tigers as pets.

It would just be completely insane. Maybe I'll get an orangutan instead. They

seem very friendly. I bet the reason chimps are so evil is cuz the hobo and the

ninja did something to their DNA. , which is extremely horrible. Why would

anyone do something that horrible to something that cute? That is just cruel

and unusual punishment. I don't think that I could that to any animal. But hey


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thats just me. It's like testing make-up on pigs. Maybe I'll get a pygmy

marmoset as a pet. I might need a fish tank to keep it in though,

JACK-O-KNIFE

Have you ever thought about what jack-o-lanterns do after everyone goes to

sleep on Halloween? I mean it could be like the movie Toy Story. Except al the

pumpkins sprout legs and arms and start walking around and talking. All of the

evil ones would find some way to get knives. They would take out all the good

pumpkins right away. There would be sliced up pumpkins all over the streets. It

would be pandemonium. Plus, all of the crazy people practicing black magic.

There's also all those black cats that you have to watch out for. So if you kids, I

would go trick-or-treating early. It's probably not the best night to go partying.

But if you do decide to go partying, beware of the evil jack-o-lanterns. I have a

feeling this Halloween is going to be interesting. Also beware of evil cannibal

hobos and wannabe white guy ninjas. Although I'm sure you can bribe them. If

you can't, than that's too bad for you. It's your problem not mine.

I THINK I JOINED A CULT

How to know if you joined a cult. Well first of all, what is a cult? A cult refers to

a group of people whose belief or practices are considered abnormal or bizarre.

So if you're in a death metal band, you're in a cult. If you're a pirate, you're in a

cult. If you're in politics, you're in a cult. And the list of cults goes on, and on,

and on. When it comes to cults the list is sort of like the energizer bunny. So

are you in a group that people think is insane for you to be in? I bet motorcycle

gangs are cults. But a motorcycle gang would be a cool cult. Oh by the way, if

you meet some guy named Jim Jones, RUN AWAY!!!!! I have a feeling that allhobos are part of a cult. So are all ninjas. Also, don't drink red koolaid, it will kill

you. Also I have a feeling that people in the postal service are in a cult. The

moral of this story is, be careful of the things you get involved in. Also any

religion that you're in is a cult. Well not every religion is a cult; just most of

them are.

OH NO MY LIFE IS A MUSICAL!!!

I think life should be more like a musical. It would be so fun. Everyone breaking

out into song and dance randomly. I can see it now, someone on trial for

murder. Suddenly the defendant breaks into song about how he's innocent.The prosecution singing about how he's guilty. The judge, bailiff, and jury are

doing the oohs and aahs. People watching at home are getting into it too.

Could you imagine what the world of sports would be like? Especially stuff like

MMA and Hockey. Imagine what the military would be like. What about the

Congress and the Presidential Cabinet? Dude the world would be a much better

place if life was a musical. Of course people who can't sing aren't allowed to

sing. We have to have those people who tell people to shut up as soon as they


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start to sing. Then there would be a singing wannabe white guy ninja and evil

cannibal hobo. Life as a musical would be amazing. Although some situations

would be a little awkward.

I NEED A UNICORN

I think my new favorite animals are unicorns. If you think about it, unicorns are

really cool. They can be really girly if they want to be. They come in different

colors, such as White, purple, and pink. They also can be really vicious if they

need to be. I mean would you want to mess with something with a sharp horn

on its head. Because I know I wouldn't want to. I think a unicorn would make a

perfect pet. You would no longer need to ever drive. Although it would get

quite cold in the wintertime. Unless you lived somewhere warm like Arizona or

Brazil. I know what I want for Christmas. So Santa if you're reading this I've

been extremely good this year. Also I could really use some extra cash. So if

you could make that happen, it would be really great.

SOMEONE STOLE MY COOKIE

Ok so I had a cookie on the counter last night when I went to bed. I was really

looking forward to eating it for breakfast. So I got up and got completely ready

for the day. And when I went to get my cookie, it was gone. I was very upset

about it. I couldn't believe that someone would eat my cookie. I had put it in a

plastic baggy. I had put a piece of paper on the bag that said "MY COOKIE! DO

NOT EAT!" So when I woke up to find my cookie gone, I was quite put out. If

someone has a cookie in a bag that says do not eat, than you shouldn't eat it.

There's a reason that it says do not eat. If I ever find out who ate my cookie I'll

chop off their fingers. Ok Maybe I won't chop off their fingers, but they shouldhave their fingers chopped off. It's just rude to take someones cookie. The

next someone decides to take my cookie I'll shank them. Ok maybe I won't

shank them, but it's a good idea.

DINOSUARS AND MOTORCYCLES

So I've decided that I'm going to start a motorcycle gang. It'll be called the

DINOmite Dinosaurs. Get it; the DINOmite Dinosaurs. You gotta admit that was

funny. Anyway, I think a motorcycle gang would be fun. I would have some of

my family and closest friends join. I need to learn how to ride a motorcycle. I

would get an awesome Harley Davidson. I think for our emblem we shouldhave a ferocious T-Rex. Ok so I'm totally kidding about the name. If I were to

start a motorcycle gang it would need a tough name. Something that strikes

fear in the hearts of children and mothers everywhere. Or I could just get a

type of puppy that will turn into a very mean dog. Or I could do both. My dog

would be a chocolate lab Rottweiler mix named Charlie. Or instead of me riding

a motorcycle I'll just get a boyfriend who can. There we go; my life is all

planned out. And it goes like this; start a motorcycle gang and get an evil


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puppy. It sounds a lot simpler than it actually is.

THAT'S SO STUPID

So I was telling my friend how I was out of story ideas. And this is what she

came up with. A dog named Paul getting lost on some adventure on Christmas.

It's not that I can't do it; its just that I don't want to. It was one of those stupid

story ideas. Speaking of stupid story ideas; spies and my unconventional

childhood. My childhood was probably one of the most normal childhoods ever.

And who would want to write a story about spies? There are too many spy

stories out there already. So I've decided that from now on I'm only asking

certain people for story ideas. Because only certain people give good story

ideas. Or maybe I'll just give up writing so I don't have this problem....yeah

right that would be like giving up oxygen. I think I'll stick to only asking certain

people for Ideas. Writing is too important to me to give up. I'll just have to start

filtering my suggestion box. Yep, I have a suggestion box. It's called my head.

REVERSE PYSCHOLOGY

So we all know that the only way to kill a zombie is to take out its brain. My

Friends and I were discussing this one night. Apparently one of my friends

doesn't think you can kill a zombie. I have another friend who has this crazy

theory about killing zombies. He seems to think the biting thing works both

ways. He said that if you bite them, they'll turn back into humans. If that's true

then I think we're gonna need a lot more evil cannibal hobos. I think that if the

biting thing actually worked then we should set some little kids on them. I

know quite a few that would perfect for the job. It's only because the little kids I

know are completely insane. The conversation was actually really super funny.It was also one of those you had to be there situations. Which makes them

pretty awesome. Well, awesome most of the time anyway.

OLD HALLOWSEVE

I really love Halloween I really don't think that anyone could possibly

comprehend my love for Halloween. It's the one day every year that I can dress

up in a costume and no one says anything. The one bad thing is that it gives

strangers an excuse to give little kids candy. Although I think my favorite part

just might be all the free candy. Either that or the Jack-O-Lanterns. I wonder

why they changed the name. I think we should change it back. I think it wouldbe col to see all the evil cannibal hobos and wannabe white guy ninjas. Old

Hallows eve is by far the best night of the year. And if you don't agree it's

cause you are an idiot. Or you just don't know a good holiday when it comes

around. But isn't that why we have dentists? So they can fix our teeth and

make them look pretty?

SOMETIMES WRITING SUCKS


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Sometimes writing can really suck. I discovered this recently, when trying to

write a different story. I got about a fourth of the way into it, when I realized

that I had lost my plot. My plot had been lost somewhere in the beginning of

the book. I honestly think that the evil cannibal and the wannabe white guy

ninja stole it. It's either that or I'm just really scatterbrained sometimes. The

truth is that I really hate writing sometimes. I think that one of my biggestproblems is that I get writers block a lot. But then there are the moments when

I can write forever. Although sometimes your hand cramps up. And when your

hand cramps up it can cripple you. I guess the best thing to do is to write in

short spurts. That way your hand doesn't cramp and theres a low chance for

writers block.

LIKE A REOCCURING DREAM

I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a reoccurring theme to all of my

stories. If not you should probably reread all of my stories. Or I could just tell

you what it is. The reoccurring theme is, was, and always will be evil cannibalhobos and wannabe white guy ninjas. So it's kind of like a reoccurring dream or

nightmare. It all depends on how you look at it. I look at it like a dream. Only

because the theme isn't that scary. I mean it might be if you're extremely faint

of heart. And if you are I think you need some serious help. I find reoccurring

dreams to be fascinating. I think my favorites are the ones where you're falling.

You know, the kind where you wake up right before you hit the ground. I kind

of want to find a new reoccurring theme, but I like the one I have. If I do

change, I'll make it something amazing. You'll just have to wait and see.

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD.

So we all have that one stuffed animal that we refuse to give up. Like me, I

have this haggard looking teddy bear. Ive had it for as long as I can

remember. I've had to sew it up like fifty times. If I get a new exactly like the

one I have, I'll throw my old one away. I know my brother had this one teddy

bear forever. He might still have it. It was a cute bear that he named teddy. I

don't think I've ever named any of my stuffed animals. My sister has this little

elephant that has a cape and a mask. I don't think she'll ever give it up. But

thats only because elephants are her favorite animals. You know what would

be cool? An evil cannibal hobo man stuffed animal and a wannabe gangsta

white guy ninja. The evil cannibal hobo man would be named Louise and the

wannabe gangsta white guy ninja would be named Jose. I don't know about you

but I would buy those.

INCOGNITO.

So one night my dad and I were driving home after visiting my brother. We

were about half way home when we passed through a huge fog bank. It

seriously made me feel like I was in a Stephen King movie. To be more specific,


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it made me feel like I was in the movie The Mist. I was expecting a giant

mutated bug to fly out of nowhere and hit the windshield. Either that or some

mutant bird thing. I have a feeling that the evil cannibal hobo man and

wannabe gangsta white guy ninja were in the fog. They were probably running

around in circles screaming like fourth grade girls on helium. Which would be

really funny to see? Maybe they're secretly fourth grade girls in disguise.They're simply, fourth grade girls incognito. Which I really just don't

understand. I don't know why fourth grade girls would need to be incognito.

Unless it's for a costume party on Halloween.

SOUPY ELECTRONICS.

So I, like a lot of people, like tomato soup. I normally use water when I make it,

but on this occasion I used milk. I prefer to make tomato soup with water. Even

though milk makes it creamier, to me it tastes funny. Because I made it with

milk, I used a little more salt than I wanted to. So from now on, I'm going to

stick to water. Anyway I was on my phone and it slipped (it being my phone) inmy hand. It flipped in the air, hit the edge of the bowl, and landed on the table.

For a minute there I thought it was going to end up in my soup. It just goes to

show you, that if you mess with your phone while eating soup, you could end

up losing your phone. Or just really screwing it up. Either way, you end up

losing your phone. That'll be the last time I eat tomato soup for a while. Or

maybe, I should focus on eating my soup and not mess with my phone at the

same time.

THRID PERSON and COW CHEWING

I just realized how much I like talking in the third person. I understand that itcan be very annoying. But it's only annoying to those who aren't talking in third

person. It's almost as annoying as loud chewing. I know people who chew really

loud even when their mouth is closed. It's even worse when they're eating

crunchy foods like chips. Talking in third person may not be as annoying as

loud chewing, but it's so much more fun. I personally try to chew as quiet as

possible. Only because I can't stand it when you sound like youre chewing like

a cow. See the thing is, anyone can pull off chewing loud, but not everyone can

pull off talking in third person. My sister can pull off talking in the third person

really well. It's only because she does it all the time. I guess chewing like a cow

comes in handy when you want to annoy the crap out of people. Although, if

you do it enough, you might not have any friends left.

POPSICLE STICKS and PUPPETS

I want to make a mansion out of popsicle sticks and tongue depressors. It

shouldn't be too hard. Of course I've never made a house out of popsicle sticks

before. Maybe I'll make a doll house instead. Or, if I have help, maybe I'll make

a model of my dream house. I think it would be fun to make popsicle models of


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famous structures. Maybe that's what I'll do for a career. Making hand puppets

would be a fun career too. Well, not the process of actually making the puppet.

Designing what the puppet would look like would be the fun part. What about a

puppet made out of popsicle sticks? Just kidding, kind of. But really, a puppet

made out of popsicle sticks would kill your hand. An evil cannibal hobo man

and wannabe gangsta white guy ninja puppet would be amazing. I would loveto have an evil clown puppet to scare people with. Actually, I have friends who

are afraid of clowns. So me with an evil clown puppet wouldn't be such a good

idea.

FAT like an ELEPHANT and FAST like a PUMA.

I have a good friend who's really into horses. She's kind of a cowgirl. In fact she

has this one specific horse that's rather unique. It's fat like an elephant and

fast like a puma. I would have to say that this horse is her prized possession.

It's a rather funny site to see. Especially when she rides her horse into town.

She decided to name the horse Pinto, cuz he's the color of pinto beans. Whichis a rather strange name for a horse. I almost couldn't stop laughing when she

said Pinto was a wild colt. Apparently she had caught him and tamed him.

When she first told me the creature was a horse, I didn't believe her. I didn't

know what to say when she asked me to ride it. She seemed so excited to get

me on the thing that, I just couldn't say no. I was extremely scared to get on it

though. But after I was on the thing for a few minutes I realized that it wasn't

that bad. Although it was kind of sketchy.

BLACK BUDDHA JESUS

So I saw a bumper sticker that said "Jesus is a Buddhist." If that's true, thanJesus is also black, right? That would be something; a black Buddhist Jesus. I

think it would be awesome if Jesus was a Buddhist. What if Jesus is an Atheist?

If Jesus is anything besides Christian, than he's a humanist. I mean he was

always helping everyone. I like the thought of Jesus being a black Buddhist

though. A black, humanistic, Buddha, Jesus would be great too. I don't care

what anyone says, Buddhist Jesus is amazing. He's one of my best friends. We

chill together all the time. Ok, the last two sentences are a lie. But, I would love

to have Buddhist Jesus as my best friend. Who wouldn't want their best friend

to be Buddhist Jesus? I can think of quite a few people who wouldn't so, never

mind. No one cares about those people anyway. Just kidding; I'm sure someone

cares about them. I'm just not one of those people. I'm sure that Buddhist Jesus

is though.

LOVE HURTS

So let's talk about this thing called love. The Everly Brothers said it best with

their song "Love Hurts." Which probably makes you wonder if love actually

exists; with all these songs about love hurting and love being so amazing; a


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person gets quite confused. On the one hand, you have a lot of people

divorcing after twelve to thirteen years together. On the other hand, it's like all

of our grandparents, they're either still together or where together till one of

them died. And I guess that's the meaning of true love. Finding that one person

you'll be with forever. Not taking the first shmuck to come along. People today

are either stupid and blind or they really just don't care when it comes to love.But I guess I really don't have any place to talk; I've never been in love. But,

with how people act when they're in "love," I hope it never happens to me.

Because from what I've seen, love sucks. Unless, I can find a love like my

grandparents had.

I WANT MY SOCKS BACK!!!!

One of my friends thought that it would be funny to take my favorite pair of

socks. They the cutest items of clothing I owned. They had black, yellow, and

green checkers. I guess she didn't think that I would notice them missing. Well

that girl is a fool. Of course when I confronted her about it, she denied it. But Iknew she had them. In fact, she was wearing them when I confronted her

about it. When I asked her about that, she had nothing to say. We ended up

arguing for like ten minutes. After we stopped arguing, I wrestled her to the

ground, and took my socks back. Oh, by the way, she took my socks in January.

I got my socks back like two weeks ago. It's also April now. And I really don't

care if I have other pairs of socks. Those were my favorite, and I was going to

get them back. The funny thing is, now that I have them back, I don't even

wear them. I guess it's knowing that I have my socks back that counts. It really

doesn't matter that I'll never wear them again. Well, it might.

PARANORMAL ROMANCE

Paranormal romance is a magical thing. Have you ever seen two aliens in love?

Neither had I until a couple of weeks ago. It's quite a beautiful thing. And I

really don't think its right for anyone to judge. Aliens are people just like me

and you. Well, not exactly like me and you, but you know what I mean. It's just

that aliens have feelings too. You shouldn't be mean just because they look a

little different than us. Thats like saying that two people can't be in love

because they're dead. Whatever; two spirits can be in love. That's why it's

called PARAnormal romance. It's an unusual but special thing. It wouldn't be far

for us to say that only living humans could be in love. There's a reason we have

terms like, love birds and puppy love. It's just how the universe works. And

there's nothing you can do about it. Well, you can whine about it. But that's not

going to change anything. It's simply going to make people try and shut you

up.

ME? A CAT LADY?

I didn't actually think it would happen. I mean I joked about it a lot. But, I


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wasn't really serious. I didn't really think that I'd become a cat lady. I had made

up plan for my entire life. I would live in a huge, creepy, old house on a hill. It

would have the storm cloud always looming above it. It would also have an iron

gate. There would be over grown weeds over taking my yard. I would have like

three hundred cats everywhere. Of course, I was joking the whole time. I guess

that's what I get for making fun of cat ladies. It's probably just the universetelling me not to make fun of people. It's not really a nice thing to do. I only

make fun of people because everyone else does it. I guess I also do it because

it's fun. But it's mainly because everyone else is doing it. But I guess if I don't

want people to make fun of me, I shouldn't do it to them. I should treat people

the way that I want to be treated. Which is really, really good.

THE BEE THAT DECLARED MUTINY (or tried to).

This is the story of the bee that tried to go rouge. He was sick of the monarchy

that he lived under. His name was Ralph. And Ralph had devised a very

intricate plan of how he would over throw the queen. He was going to gothrough a crap load of trouble because he wanted to be king. His mutiny would

cost him his little bee life. Ralph knew exactly how he would kill the Queen bee.

That fat, ugly, stupid Queen bee. His plan would have been executed perfectly

if it hadn't been for those stupid guard bees. Before Ralph had time to seek out

his target, he was seized and stung over and over again, until he swelled to the

size of a blueberry. And that's quite big for a bee. After about a week of being

the size of a blueberry, Ralph exploded. And the Queen bee was safe for a little

bit longer. Too bad she had about a hundred more babies named Ralph.

SCHOOL OF THE LIVING DEAD

Everyone says that school is an important part of a child's life. And I would

have to say that I agree with that statement. Most people think that private

schools are a better choice. That is completely not true. I know people who

went to a private school. They contracted the zombie virus. Surprisingly, one

person made it out okay. How the government was able to contain it? I will

never know. My friend David went to that school. And when he got the virus, he

became fat and bald. How my friend Kimberly got out unharmed is beyond me.

She's not exactly the most athletic person. So the fact that she's the only

person who isn't a zombie is kind of unnatural. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad

she's ok. But who did she have to trip to make it out alive. I bet she just go

really lucky. Or, maybe, it was just a freak accident. I'm not trying to be mean;

it's just that she's like a retarded elephant. She's big, fat, and extremely

clumsy. I guess it's not entirely her fault she's a retarded elephant in human

form. Oh wait, it's completely her fault.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD

Oh no! The end of the world is coming. And it's coming rather soon. The end of


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the world is coming straight for you. You can't run from it. You can't hide from

it. No matter what you do, it will get you. So, unless you're a cockroach, you

won't survive. None of us will. The end of the world is imminent. I will trip you

to save me, when the time comes. It's nothing personal it's just that, I like me

more. And Im not really a people person. In fact, I kind of hate people. Theyre

all just really annoying. I would gladly feed you all to the zombies. I know ofonly a few people that I would save. And Im not even completely sure that I

would save them. I know I know I shouldnt be so mean. But hey, no ones

paying me to be nice. No ones paying me to be mean but, being mean is way

more fun. I plan on living through the end of the world; with or without

anyones help. You can help me so we both survive; just dont get in my way. If

you get in my way, I will make sure you die before me.

MY VERY OWN ISLAND

I have a very serious problem. I really dont like people. I would love to see

most people get eaten by zombies. I think thats why, I need my very ownisland. There are only a few people that I can put up with. Sadly, you arent one

of them. Its actually only sad for you. I think I hate people because theyre

annoying and pathetic. People make me want to just disappear. I honestly wish

I could sometimes. Just to get away from all the stupid people. Because people

annoy me so easily, I probably wont have kids. I mean, kids are like pets;

theyre great and all, but, theyre so much work. Sometimes they make you

want to run away. And if I had my own island, I wouldnt have anything to

worry about. As long as my island doesnt have any volcanos, Im good. I dont

want to have to worry about typhoons or hurricanes either. Maybe Ill just

move to Antarctica instead. Just kidding about the Antarctica thing. I dont

want to die of hypothermia.

SARCASM; THE WORLDS GREATEST LANGUAGE.

I think sarcasm might be my most favorite thing ever. Sarcasm helps when you

dont like someone. It also works on people you dont know. I love using

sarcasm. Its how me and all of my friends communicate. It helps when youre

an extremely awkward situation. Sarcasm also makes you sound kind of witty.

Even the stupidest of people can use it. They may not use it right, but they can

use it. Even small children use it. Although it takes years to perfect. Some

people take sarcasm seriously. Sarcasm is like joking but cooler. Not everyone

can use it though. Some people just some people dumber than they already

are. Its really funny to see stupid people use sarcasm. Yes, it can also be

annoying but its also really funny. You know what else is annoying? Children

are. Which is probably why Im not gonna have any. If I do have any kids,

theyll be awesome. Or theyll be really horrible kids. I havent decided which I

would rather have; perfectly awesome kids or horribly mean kids. But with my

luck, theyll be the most amazing kids ever.


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MY TWO MOMS

So my mom is a lesbo biker. Shes been with her girlfriend for almost my entire

life. ,y real mom is the butch one of the relationship. My 1st mom never let us

cry around her. If we were ever hurt we went to our 2nd mom. My 1st mom

always told me and my brothers that, if we werent bleeding, we were fine.After we hit the age of like 8, we stopped crying about basically everything.

That phrase really helped whenever we got into fights. Weve won almost

every fight weve been in. And its all thanks to my moms favorite phrase. Our

moms always taught us to defend ourselves; which got a couple of my brothers

into trouble. It was also the fact that my brothers never knew when to stop

fighting. They didnt know how to pick their battles either. I blame both my

parents for that. I blame my dad for never being there; and I blame my mom,

because she wasnt the male role model my brothers needed. Not that she

could have been. I dont care what anyone says. I had a very normal childhood.

PRESIDENTS AND ZOMBIES

Did you know that our founding fathers fought zombies? I didnt either until last

night. I only learned about because I had to do some research on the Founding

Fathers. I had to write a very detailed 10 page report. I knew that my report

would be pretty difficult. I just didnt know that it would be this difficult. There

were so many things that happened that no one knew about. Like the werewolf

attacks in what is now Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Or the guy who had a pet

dragon in what is now Detroit, Michigan. Our Founding Fathers were

responsible for taking care of these matters. There was a zombie attack in

autumn of 1786. The Founding Fathers hid that like Roswell. If that gives you

any ideas of how well that was taken care of. After a couple of decades theFounding Fathers got lazy. So they decided to leave the zombie fighting to the

people. Luckily we didn't have any incidents of werewolves or dragons after

that. As for the zombie attacks, well, they're still around. Like the man who got

his face eaten in Florida recently. There was another attack pretty soon after

that. I guess this means we'll be taking spring break in Mexico from now on.

I FEAR NO MAN

I am not afraid of any man. As long as I have my trusty knife. If I dont have my

knife than we have a problem. I do fear a lot of other things though. Things

such as air planes, bridges, and very large dogs. People dont actually scareme. They just annoy me to the point that I want to push them off a cliff. Its not

that Im afraid of anything; its just that stuff bothers me. There are a few

phobias that I have. My phobias include gephyrophobia, gerascophobia,

nyctophobia, spectrophobia, and thanatophobia. If you dont know what these

phobias are, go look them up. I really dont care if you think my phobias are

stupid. You should never make fun of someones fears. I would never do that to


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you. But the point is, Im not afraid of any man. Do and say what you want but

you cant scare me. Well, Im sure you could. Im sure it wouldnt take very

much either. Its just that Im not afraid of people when I first meet them. Its

when you get to know them that you should be scared.

HEY LADY, PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN.

Have you ever sat next to some lady and they raised their arms and there were

massive sweat stains? Its one of those moments that you want to say, hey

lady, put your arms down. You want say something but you just cant. You

dont want to be mean. Ive had that happen to me before. Ive had someone

sit next to me who had a problem with excessive sweating. It wouldnt have

been so bad but, there was a breeze. They kept putting their arms on their

head. I wanted to tell them to put their arms down. The stench was almost too

unbearable. Me and a couple of friends tried to drop subtle hints about

showering. After sitting next to him for about an hour and a half we had to be

mean. We finally told him that he stank. We told him that he should showerevery day. Or at least wear deodorant every day. He was mad at us when we

first told him. He got over it when he met his wife. He thanked us years later

for being so honest with him. Sometimes you just have to be brutally honest.

You may not want to but, it may help someone.

THAT WASNT VERY FUNNY

Has anyone ever told you a story that was hilarious to them, but not at all

funny to you? Ive had that happen to me. Ive also done it to other people.

Where someones telling a joke or story and they get to the end and no one

laughs. And every one is thinking the same exact thing, that wasnt very funny.But you dont care what they think because you know it was hilarious. I cant

stand it when people dont at least humor you. They could at least smile and

nod. Its rude when they just stare at you like youre and idiot. You should act

like it is. I guess I cant complain. I do it all the time. Maybe people would be

nicer if we didnt tell such lame jokes and stories. Or maybe people are just

jerks. But the majority of the time, its the story or the joke and not the people.

As hard as it is to accept, no one really cares. Theyll stand there to be polite,

and sometimes theyll even walk away. Because in all honesty, it wasnt as

funny as you thought it was.

THAT REMINDS ME OF A SONG

Do you ever have those moments when something reminds you of a song?

When someone says something and a song automatically pops into your head?

It happens to me all the time. It happens a lot when I should be paying

attention to people talk. Ok, so I do listen. Just not as much as I should. Its just

that when something reminds me of a song I automatically want to sing it. I

dont want to forget the song because itll bother me. And if I forget the song I


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really wont be listening. Ill be too busy trying to figure out what the song was.

Of course most of the time it happens when Im daydreaming anyway. Its even

better when people do stuff that remind of a song. It very seldom happens, but

it happens. And when it does, its hilarious. Its even better than when

someone says something that reminds you of a song. What makes it cooler is if

it reminds more than one person of a song. But not only does it remind them ofany song. It reminds them of the exact same song.

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