A leaflet about death, bereavement and grief for young people

Bereavement simply means losingsomeone through death. It could beone of your parents, grandparents,brothers or sisters, friends, boyfriendor girlfriend – anyone who isimportant to you.

What is bereavement?

The feelings that we have after someone close has died can be called grief.Everyone experiences grief differently – there is no ‘right’ way to feel. Feelings can include shock, numbness, despair, intense sadness, guilt,depression, relief, fear, anger. It can sometimes feel as if we’re thrown from onefeeling to another to another.

It’s not unusual to feel numb, which means feeling like you have no feelings at all.

What might I feel?

‘My dad died a week ago…I’m just in a dream hoping my dad will come home but

knowing he won’t.’

‘I feel so lost andconfused, it’s like all the world

came crashing down, I didn’t thinkI would ever stop crying. Now I

just feel so hurt and upset.’

‘Why did she have to die?I needed her. It’s just not fair.

Death no longer makes me sad, itmakes me angry.’

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It can feel like the bottom hasdropped out of your world, thatnothing good will ever happen again.How can you begin to cope?

‘How can I cope with it all…?’

Many young people find that theycan’t get on with day-to-dayactivities. Even small things likegetting out of bed, going to school,talking to friends can somehowseem enormous. Sometimes youmight find that you get behind with

school, college or work because youjust can’t concentrate. Life can justfeel ‘too much’. This is a commonreaction. It might help to explain tosomeone how you’re feeling –maybe a teacher you trust, a friend,someone in your family. If peopleknow what you’re going through,they are more likely to understandwhy you might be acting differentlyfrom normal.

‘My dad died a monthago. I miss him so much, I

can’t cope with everyday thingslike going to college. I just want

my dad back, is that toomuch to ask?’

‘My mother died 3years ago. I never used to

speak about her. Now, I cantalk about her and be proud of

the time I shared with her.Whether I feel her every moment

or not, I know she is alwayshere with me.’

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When you’re going throughsomething so painful, it can be hardto believe that anyone else canunderstand. This can lead to feelingisolated, and finding it hard to talk tofriends and family.

‘I feel so alone…’‘I feel empty, lost,

confused and lonely. Ineed someone to talk to

but don’t know who.’

Although it can seem really difficult,finding someone to talk to about howyou’re feeling can be an important firststep in coming to terms with thedeath of someone close. Noteveryone will understand but many

will. People usually like to beasked for help, so you might

be surprised that yourfriends or family are willingto listen and to support

you as best they can.

‘After my sisterdied I got bullied

because I kept crying.Things got better when I

told someone.’

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‘The worst part is theloneliness. Nobody knows how

I feel. I just wish I had someone to talk to.’

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If someone in your family has died itmay mean a lot of changes at home.Everyone can feel so caught up bywhat’s going on for them individuallythat it can be hard to talk to eachother. In fact, sharing how you’refeeling can be a good way tosupport each other during this reallydifficult time.

If talking to someone you knowseems too big a step, it mightbe easier to talk to someone

whose job it is to listen.

You can ring Cruse’s freephonenumber on 0808 808 1677 to chatto a trained helpline adviser. Oryou can go to www.rd4u.org.uk tosend a private e-mail to one of ourtrained volunteers, and read abouthow other young people havecoped in your situation.

‘I was lucky to have ateacher who really seemed

to care. She made life easier byexplaining to the other kids what had

happened, and by being there forme when I needed it.’

’After 2 years I’veonly just learnt that when

I cry and talk about thingsit really helps.’

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There is no magic wand to make thepain go away or to bring life back tonormal. But there are things thatsome young people have found dohelp to ease the pain, and help themto come to terms with their loss.

What can help?

‘When he died I wasreally screwed up, so I wrote

poems about it. I find it easier towrite than to talk. If I hadn’t, I

wouldn’t be here now.’

‘I am writing thislistening to a tape which I madeshortly after my Mum died with

songs which remind me of her. I havefound this a great help when I am

feeling down - I am always crying bythe end of it, but I always feel

better too.’

‘How about getting ahelium balloon with a message

for her attached and letting that go?Some people find that really helpful. Oryou could write her a letter and keep it

just between you and her? I keep a diarywhere I write messages to my brotherwhen I feel I need to, that helps me a

lot.’

‘I recommend thatanyone in my situation should

put any memories (letters, badges, Iput in some dried petals from the rose Iput on her coffin - anything really) into a

box with a lock on. Every now andagain, unlock the memory box and

refresh your memory.’

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‘Every year on theanniversary of his death

she watches his favourite film.She says she can picture him

smiling and sometimes hear himlaughing at his favourite bits!’

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‘Don't give yourself atime limit, everybody grievesdifferently and for different

lengths of time. I'm still grieving formy mum after 4 years but in different

ways. It's a long, hard journey. Butwhat's certain is that the pain

will ease gradually.’

Grieving is such an individualprocess that it’s impossible to sayhow long it ‘should’ take. Feelingstend to come and go in circles, sothat some people worry that they’refeeling sad again, or angry, or guilty,when they thought they’d ‘got over’that feeling. What most people dofind, though, is that gradually, overtime, things do get easier.

And remember, you are allowed tohave fun and to laugh! This does notmean that you will ever forget theperson who has died, or that theywill be less important to you.

How long will it take?‘All I can say is be

patient with yourself. There’sno magic pill, no words, no secretrecipe. Give yourself time! Grieve

in your own time and at your own pace.’

‘I feel like mymother’s spirit is always

near me and these thingsmake me carry on, I love my

life now, I hope you can carry on like I did.’

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Central OfficeCruse House, 126 Sheen Road Richmond, Surrey TW9 1UR United KingdomTel 020 8939 9530Fax 020 8940 7638www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Registered Charity No. 208078

A Company Limited by Guarantee No. 638709

© Cruse Bereavement Care 2004 ISBN 0 900 32120 2

The Diana Princess of Wales Memorial Fund

The Henry Smith Charity

This booklet is supported by:

Young People’s HelplineFreephone 0808 808 1677

Young People’s Websitewww.rd4u.org.uk