9 keys for mastering your anger al duncan · 9 keys for mastering your anger al duncan ... change...

9 KEYS FOR MASTERING YOUR ANGER

Al Duncan

Award-Winning Youth Advocate International Authority on Soft Skills

Helping Young People Build A Competitive Advantage™

Taming the Beast: 9 Keys For Mastering Your Anger Al Duncan - Duncan Nuggets® | 2

© 2006, 2009 by Al Duncan

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Al Duncan is an award-winning youth advocate, publisher, and

internationally recognized authority on soft skills. Visit him online at

www.DuncanNuggets.com


9 KEYS FOR MASTERING YOUR ANGER

111111111111............ Awareness and Acknowledgement

222222222222............ Track It

333333333333............ Find the Triggers and Roots

444444444444............ Hit the Pause Button

555555555555............ Change Your Internal Conversation

666666666666............ Challenge Your Beliefs and Perceptions

777777777777............ Chillax

888888888888............ Make it Humorous

999999999999............ Keep the Benefits


One of the most popular movies of all time is Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. The Beast, who used to be a prince, had great difficulty in

controlling his manners and his anger.

Although there was a charming gentleman inside of him who knew the right way to behave, Beast often felt powerless and believed that there

was little he could do in regards to his behavior. After all, he was a beast, right?

Eh…not quite.

Many people have a similar problem. They think things like:

“Well, that’s just how I am”

“What problem? I don’t have a problem.”

“I wouldn’t be mad if he didn’t make me mad!”

Why do people do this? Because making excuses about your behavior is easier than changing your behavior. Think about that.

Duncan Nugget® #110 You can make an excuse or you can make a way

but you can’t do both.


Taming the Beast is no joke. Therefore, before we talk about these 9

keys for mastering your anger, here are a several things you should know:

__________ 1 http://www.alduncan.net/health-anger.html

A. It’s not always the anger that’s the problem; it’s the behavior that accompanies the anger.

Suppression and over expression of anger are two different roads

leading to the same destination. Complete suppression can destroy relationships, lead to bad health1, and ruin outcomes in similar fashion

to over expressing anger.

B. You might need professional help.

If you have serious anger issues then some of these keys may be

difficult to use on your own. If so, you may need to see a coach or a therapist.

C. Anger Management for teens requires exceptional

communication and patience.

If you are a young person reading this, understand that you may need

some help making your way through the process. If so, and you aren’t sure who to talk to, shoot me an email or find me on Facebook. I’ll get

you pointed in the right direction.

If you’re reading this with the intention of helping out a tween or teen with anger management problems, then be patient—extremely patient.

And get some help. Shoot me an email or find me on Facebook. I’ll get you pointed in the right direction.


The starting point for mastering your anger is the same starting point

for bringing about many types of change. It begins with awareness and acknowledgement.

You probably already know that when a person has an addiction or

behavioral problem, getting them to acknowledge the problem can be challenging.

Awareness is the foundation of self-empowerment. If a person wants

to tame the beast, he must acknowledge that his anger management is something that needs to be addressed.

Recently, I was talking to Chef Tim, a good friend of mine, and he

reminded me of a catchy phrase from G.I. Joe:

“Knowing is half the battle.”

So, if you are reading this e-book in order to deal with your own anger

issues then kudos to you. You’re half way there.

On the other hand, perhaps you are reading this article with the intention of helping someone else—someone who isn’t aware that his

anger needs to be tamed. If so, then it’s a good idea to send him a


copy of Blind Spots1 (an article about developing self-awareness),

Emotions and Your Health: Anger2, or both.

So, what are some telltale signs of an anger problem?

According to a study published by Kassinove, R. Chip Tafrate, PhD, and L. Dundin in the Journal of Clinical Psychology (Vol. 58, No. 12),

individuals with high trait anger tend to report more physical aggression, negative verbal responses, drug use, and negative

consequences of their anger. They have anger reactions that are more intense, enduring, and occur more frequently.

If you’ve noticed any of these indications then it’s time to Track It.

—Author Unknown

________ 1 http://www.alduncan.net/blindspots.html 2 http://www.alduncan.net/health-anger.html


One of the most effective methods of tracking anger (or any other

emotion) is to keep a journal. Go to my website and get a copy of my book, My Success Journal For Young People, or a small notebook

to keep with you and follow these steps:

Colorado State University psychologist, Jerry Deffenbacher, says that

in his experience most people find anger a problem when it exceeds 40.

With an anger journal, it will be easier to Find the Triggers and Roots.

111111111111............ At the start of the day draw a line down the middle of the page.

222222222222............ Using a scale of 0 to 100, every so often during the day note the time and level of your anger on the left hand side

of the page.

333333333333............ On the right side write down what is happening.

444444444444............ It is important to record any peak periods of anger.


By keeping an anger journal, it will be much easier to identify and break patterns that trigger an episode of extreme anger.

Bad traffic, idiot drivers, conniving co-workers, a slow waitress, a

computer that constantly freezes up, and delayed or canceled flights are examples of things that bring out the beast in some people. Others

may get angry at a certain time of the day, week, or month.

Million-Dollar Question: What triggers your anger?

Once you recognize a pattern in the types of events that trigger your

anger, it’s time to dig deeper and find the roots.

Million-Dollar Question: What past experiences have compelled

you to react the same way?

Finding the root of your anger may take some time; you might have to sleep on it for a while. In the meantime, whenever the beast starts to

come out Hit the Pause Button


Here’s my version of a story that I read in Norman Rosethal’s book,

Emotional Revolution:

A guy named Michael has terrible day at work and he can’t wait to go home to get some peace and quiet. When he arrives home his 11-year

old daughter and some of her friends are playing in the living room. He tries to find a quiet spot in the kitchen, but his wife is in there with her

friends—the mothers of her daughter’s friends.

So, Michael heads off to his bedroom. Still no luck. Every 10 seconds he can hear a loud chorus of “oooh’s” and “ah’s”. His 17-year old son

and some friends are upstairs in his son’s room playing video games

on the Wii.

Feeling robbed of his peace and quiet; Michael can sense the start of an avalanche of anger. It began with a feeling in the pit of his stomach

shooting up to his head, causing a sensation of heat and pressure. Blood started rushing to his head. He was pissed.

Duncan Nugget® #70 When emotions fill the room, logic goes out the window.

Michael erupted. He started yelling at the top of his lungs about not

getting any respect and not being able to relax in his own house after a hard days work. His wife and kids were embarrassed and their

friends were, too. For the next few days Michael had more peace and


quiet than he bargained for because nobody was talking to him. Can

you say “silent treatment”?

I can feel where Michael was coming from. His anger was understandable, maybe even justified depending on how you look at it,

but the behavior was destructive. Now, he wasn’t the only one angry and eventually he ended up regretting his behavior.

Million-Dollar Question: What should Michael, or anyone else for

that matter, have done? Pretend life is a DVD player, hit the pause button, and take the

proverbial deep breath.

In an article called With Friends Like These1, I explain the scientific validity to the age-old adage: count to ten. Taking at least a 6-second

pause allows a bit of logic to return and the wave of emotion to subside. (Well…at least a little.) Hitting the pause button also gives

you chance to Change Your Internal Conversation.

“If you wish to master your house

you must first master

your emotions.”

—Ancient Egyptian Proverb

_________ 1 http://www.alduncan.net/selfempowerment-8.html


(Answer on page 16)

FACT OR FICTION?


The messages that you give yourself in the heat of the moment can

agitate the beast or calm the beast—messages such as:

“I don’t have to put up with this crap.”

“You can’t treat me like this. It’s so unfair.”

“What a bunch of bull!”

Of course, some of these phrases may be true. There are a lot of

people shoveling some serious cow manure these days! But that doesn’t mean that they have to be anything more than a mild irritant.

Phrases like:


“If person isn’t polite to me, then that means he doesn’t respect me

and I’m not putting up with that crap.”

Can be turned into something like:

“Some people are just rude, but I refuse to let them get to me. My time is too valuable to waste on crap like this.”

This method, which is known as self-instructional training, may not

work for you instantly, especially if your beast has been off the leash for years. It takes practice to develop the ability to create useful self-

messages for yourself, but it’s proven to be effective for a lot of individuals.

Changing your internal conversation isn’t always easy because it

requires you to Challenge Your Beliefs and Perceptions.

“If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?”

—Sidney J. Harris


Your beliefs and perceptions determine the boundaries of your world.

Think about that.

When you challenge or change your beliefs and perceptions, you’re altering your concept of reality. You are changing your world. If you

understand what I’m saying, then you’ll understand why it’s so hard for people to give up certain beliefs and perceptions.

Duncan Nugget® #84 Being open-minded is a master ability.

People rarely seek information that contradicts what

they believe. 1

In fact, it’s not unusual for people to completely ignore evidence that refutes what they believe. They tend to look for anything that

validates and reinforces their beliefs.

If you were hanging off of a cliff and the only thing keeping you from

falling was the rope you were holding on to, how tightly would you hold on to that rope?

You probably hold on to most of your beliefs the same way.

Once you believe that your anger is justified (and it might be), it can

be incredibly challenging to let go of that belief.


Once you have a perception that someone has intentionally said or

done something negative to you (and he may have) it can be extremely difficult to let go of that belief, but the bottom line is:

Duncan Nugget® #192 Mastering your anger requires

you to challenge your beliefs and perceptions.

So, if you want a few tips on dealing with limiting beliefs and

perceptions read Incarcerated: 4 Walls that Limit Your Success Pt. I.2

While you are working on challenging your beliefs and perceptions, keep on mind that sometimes you just have to Chillax.

—Colin Powell

_______ 1 Watch Duncan Nugget® #84 on video here: http://youtu.be/TqR6CcZ-LOw

2 http://www.alduncan.net/incarcerated.html


FACT OR FICTION?

(Answer from page 12)

Although catharsis, commonly referred to as “letting it all hang out”, is a concept that has been popular since antiquity, there is no evidence that proves it to be helpful.

In fact there are many studies and a great deal of research

that proves “letting it all hang out” can make anger worse. In one study—published in 1999 in the Journal of Personality

and Social Psychology—subjects were tricked into believing that catharsis would be an effective remedy for their anger.

After subjects expressed their anger by hitting a punching, they felt more, not less aggressive.


Chill and relax. Chillax.

Million-Dollar Question: When should a person with anger issues chillax?

One of the pioneers in behavioral-therapy research, Joseph Wolpe, reasons that it is impossible to feel highly aroused and relaxed at the

same time. Therefore if a person is able to relax while being exposed to an unpleasant stimulus, there is a good chance that he will be

deconditioned.

Research shows that attempting to treat anger by simply learning

relaxation techniques is not as effective as imagining or remembering triggers and roots combined with relaxation.

This exposure and relaxation technique has worked great for quite a

few of the young people I’ve worked with. J.T., a young guy in his late teens, used to get ridiculously mad over just about anything.

While thinking about things that would make him angry, I would have

J.T. do deep breathing exercises. Eventually, by combining this technique with the ‘hit the pause button’ technique, he was able to

chillax and regain his composure much quicker in the heat of the moment.


Out of all of the keys, this can be the most challenging one to do on

your own. A lot of people find that certain experiences are way too unpleasant or painful to relive. If that’s you, as I said earlier, get some

professional help. King Solomon wrote:

“A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”

So, when extremely angry about something it’s beneficial to Make It Humorous.

“15 minutes

of laughter on a daily basis is probably

good for the vascular system.” —Dr. Michael Miller

University of Maryland School of Medicine


Have you ever been mad, frustrated, or upset about something and a

few months or years later you started laughing as you thought about it? What makes it funny later on?

You do. It’s ALL Mental!

When it comes to anger management, the ability to find the humor in

a situation is a priceless asset.

While you are angry, it’s helpful to ask—what will be amusing about this when I think about it later. Is it your facial expression? How about

someone else’s facial expression? Is it something that you or someone

else said?

Good comedians are great at turning emotional turmoil into humor. Pretend that you are your favorite comedian. What would he or she

say about what is happening?

Although it can be challenging to find humor in a situation, it is worth the effort because humor is such an effective antidote for anger. And

who knows? Maybe you’ll become a great stand-up comedian in the process!

Even after making it humorous and using the other seven keys we’ve

talked about so far, there is little hope for lasting change unless you Keep the Benefits.


The behavioral expression of anger always produces at least one

perceived benefit. This is known as a secondary gain. Receiving attention, maintaining self-respect, feeling powerful, and keeping the

peace—in the case suppressing one’s anger—are examples of benefits that are gained.

Unless a person finds an alternate course of action that produces the

same benefit(s), he is likely to resume the undesired behavior.

Million-Dollar Question: What do you gain as a result of your anger?

For me, it’s usually self-respect or a sense of control. I used to have

serious anger issues. But after devoting time to developing self-awareness, I’ve realized that the calmer I am, the more I’m in control

of the situation.

I’m not saying that I’m some mystical, master monk who is always in control of my anger. Sometimes it’s a tug-o-war. Nonetheless, I do

eventually win. So, will you as long as you keep the benefits.

Here’s an excerpt from an article that I wrote based on a question someone asked me about reverting to old behavior:


You probably realize that taming the beast is not a one-size-fits-all process. Start with whichever key caught your attention the most and

from there move on to the others.

Remember, suppressing your anger is not the goal. You are not trying to cage the beast; you are taming the beast.

111111111111............ All behavior has a secondary gain. What are you gaining by engaging in the old behavior? Even if you think you aren’t, you are gaining something by

reverting to your old behavior. Is it friendship? Is it

satisfying your desire to bond? Is it maintaining your self-esteem or pride? What is it? Write it down.

222222222222............ Whatever it may be, ask yourself the following questions to facilitate a change in your behavior. How can your sense of what has been gained be maintained

without the old behavior? Not sure? Well, imagine or pretend that there is a way. What did you imagine?

Write it down.

333333333333............ Test what you wrote down by vividly visualizing yourself performing the new behavior when you come in contact with the individual that you have in mind. Take note of

your feelings. Repeat this step several times until the new behavior becomes anchored and you feel good and

confident.

444444444444............ If you still feel like reverting to old behavior or if you don’t feel confident about the new behavior then you

probably haven’t maintained all of your gains. Go back to step one to be sure that you haven’t overlooked any

secondary gains.

Excerpt from “Reverting To Old Behavior”

by Al Duncan

http://www.alduncan.net/old-behavior.html


Sources & Recommend Reading:

Emotion – Dylan Evans

Emotional Discipline – Charles C. Manz

Emotional Hostage – Leslie Cameron-Bandler and Michael Lebean

Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goldman

Emotional Revolution – Norman E. Rosenthal, MD


Duncan Nugget® #11: ”You are guaranteed

to win once you defeat the

enemy within because…

It’s ALL Mental!”

Al Duncan

Remember to visit$

Serving Young People and Professionals Working With Them

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Book Al NOW for your next event. 1-888-810-4302 [email protected]

Al Duncan is an award-winning youth advocate, publisher, and an internationally recognized authority on soft skills. He is the publisher of DuncanNuggets.com a resource center packed with free videos, articles, and activities on character education and soft skills. Duncan Nuggets® have been used by over one million young people in hundreds of schools and youth serving organizations. Al is the founder of Young Scribes™, a free marketing and fundraising program that allows schools and youth organizations to raise money and increase tangible outcomes by publishing books written by their young people. He is also the author of 4 books including, My Success Journal for Young People. Al was born and raised in one of the most dangerous neighborhoods on the planet in North Philadelphia and by today’s standards, would’ve been labeled an “at-risk” student. When he was 5 years old he was molested by a male friend of the family. Emotionally traumatized, it took him years to remember what happened. At the age of 15, Al’s world was torn to shreds again when he found out that his father, his childhood hero, was addicted to crack cocaine. Devastated, but not defeated, Al refused to allow his personal problems stop him. He went on to enjoy careers as a professional saxophone player and a professional chef. His father’s struggle and incredible recovery inspired Al to write Duncan Nugget® #21: Failure is only permanent if you quit. At the age of 24, he walked away from his musical career and took on the tremendous responsibility of raising his youngest brother who was 12 years old at the time. Today, as a tireless advocate for youth empowerment, Al is a high energy, high content, high impact speaker, lecturer, and motivational powerhouse.

He serves on the Anti-Prejudice Consortium Board of Directors and his expertise in the field of soft skills as well as youth development & empowerment has been sought after by a long list of organizations and institutions including:

�� 4-H

�� The National Society of Leadership

and Success (Sigma Alpha Pi)

�� Georgia Adult Education

Association

�� Texas A&M University

�� University of Connecticut

�� Johnson and Wales University

�� Clark Atlanta University

�� Spelman College

�� Morehouse College

�� Georgia Tech

�� University of Georgia

�� Williams College of Business Xavier

University

�� U. S. Dept. Education

�� Army Reserve Child, Youth, and

School Services

�� The National Guard

�� U.S. Department of Juvenile Justice

�� The Ontario Ministry of Children &

Youth Services

�� U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity

Commission

�� Dekalb County Family & Children

Services

�� FBLA (Future Business Leaders of

America)

�� FCCLA (Family, Career, and

Community Leaders of America)

“Been Getting Your Duncan Nuggets®?”


Get ALL Fired Up!™ About Living Your Dreams

As you enjoy this powerful little book you will discover inspiring stories, practical advice, and proven tips for achieving your dreams.

�� Live the life of you really want to live

�� Overcome self-doubt

�� Know when passion is NOT enough

�� Deal with past regret

�� Set and achieve your goals

�� Be encouraged and empowered; motivated and inspired.

�� Special interviews with successful people from diverse walks of life and backgrounds.

www.alduncan.net/getallfiredup.html

Al Duncan Enterprises, LLC 4920 Flat Shoals Pkwy

Suite 102-219 Decatur, GA 30034

1-888-810-4302 ext. 706 Pascale Michel | [email protected]

“Mr. Duncan, I really enjoyed your presentation because it actually was a ‘breath of fresh air’. There are a lot of ‘entrepreneurs’ who talk about how they made it and that the way THEY did it is the way to go. You told us what type of mindset you should have to be successful, period. And you showed us how to develop that mindset. We need more people like you.”

Gregory Reddick Alpha Phi Alpha

African-American Student Union Georgia Tech

Thank you for your great speech and inspiration. I learned a lotEIt was my honor and pleasure to meet with you... Thanks for sharing.”

(Moon) Yue Hua Li School of Management

Syracuse University

Dear Mr. Duncan, I know it was meant for me to be here at the Multicultural Leadership Retreat so that I could hear your life-changing keynote and your great workshop. I heard about the retreat at the last minute, but I can honestly say that if I didn't come and hear you I'm not sure what I would have done about continuing in school. Thanks for showing us how to create a vision, identify our values, and find our purpose in your keynote speech yesterday and thanks for showing us how to create a strong personal brand today in your workshop. Now I know how to set my goals and actually attack them and achieve them. Al Duncan stay up and keep going. Thanks."

Calvin Whitehead Pre-Med Student Wartburg College

This no ordinary journal. Write down your

goals, ideas, and aspirations then+ learn to make them happen!

Full of empowering articles, tips, quotes, and engaging exercises on:

�� Goal getting

�� Overcoming failure �� Conquering your fears

�� Self-confidence and Self-discipline

�� Dealing with haters and doubters

�� Developing your strengths and managing weaknesses

�� Creating a strong personal brand

�� How to be more successful NOW.

�� Eand more!

My Success Journal For Young People

www.alduncan.net/mysuccessjournal.html

Serving Young People and Professionals Working With Them

Free Performance Character and Soft Skills Videos, Articles, Activities and Discussion Questions

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