7 ways to sabotage your relationship
Post on 21-Feb-2016
DESCRIPTIONLearn the seven ways in which you sabotage your relationships and what you can do about it!
The 7 ways you sabotage your
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No one will deny that in todays
world, relationships are fraught
with difficulty. At one time it was
assumed that relationships led to
marriage and that marriage was
for life. The generation born
during and after World War I
showed us what it would be like
to be married to the same
person for 50+ years. However,
as we enter into 2011 we see
that there has been a breakdown
in family life with divorce at an
alarming rate of 50% and a
decrease in marriages around
the western world. Despite this,
there are many who still desire
to marry and settle down with a
family, but face problems
establishing strong relationships
that could lead to marriage.
One of the main reasons that people
are unsuccessful in relationships is tied
in to self-sabotaging behaviour. What
is sabotage? Sabotage is defined as
the treacherous action used to
hinder a cause or endeavour. So,
self-sabotage is the treacherous
action used against ones self to
hinder their own cause or
endeavour. In fact, saboteurs were
often linked to traitors, those who
committed treacherous or treasonous
acts against their own country.
Therefore, we can say that a person
who commits self sabotage is in fact,
committing treasonous acts against
Let us look at some of the treachery we perpetrate against ourselves in the area of relationships.
An insecure person will lack confidence in their own
ability and value. Invariably, this lack of confidence in
their value will result in a lack of trust for someone elses
value. They may feel in a positive state, but harbour fears
that the positive feelings are only temporary and will
cause them loss when those feelings disappear. Insecurity
is an emotional interpretation of oneself. Manifestations
of insecurity may be shyness, jealousy, or perhaps
arrogance or even bullying.
ORIGINS: The template of insecurity has its roots in childhood. Perhaps we experienced a lack of security in the family structure, possibly by being rejected, abandoned or overlooked in some way. These insecurities have remained undetected and are now manifesting itself within the romantic relationship. Insecurities can be overcome if we want to remove it.
2) CONTROL FREAK
Closely tied in to insecurity, is the need for individuals to control
their relationships. Since control enables power, the one who
controls the relationship has the most power and therefore, has
most of their needs met. The victim serves the needs of the
controller. Both men and women are guilty of controlling
behavior. Some people, for example have a need to have things
their own way. Entering into a new relationship, the controller
will seek to impose their ideas on the new partner. There is very
little consideration for the victims needs and desires and if the
victim is passive in nature, the controller will push their
manifesto through with little resistance.
It is possible that insecure people use strong characteristics as a shield by which to hide their insecurity.
Within the contexts of relationships, insecurity creates jealousy and erodes trust. Within the insecure
person, issues can be fabricated from an insecure mind that has no foundation in truth. Since insecurity is
an emotional experience, it is very difficult for the insecure person to see reason and logic when they
believe there is a problem in the relationship.
ORIGINS: This need for control is also borne out of insecurities learned in childhood and can be rectified if given sufficient attention.
3) THE MARTYR
The desire to help others is innate within all human
beings. Yet to constantly desire to rescue others
during relationships is a sure sign of self-sabotage. If
you find that you are drawn to partners who need
constant help and attention, then that is a sign that
you are a martyr/rescuer.
Perhaps you are currently with someone who has serious physical, financial and emotional problems. You
may be playing the role of the parent, giving them parental advice. Perhaps your partner has been hurt in
the past and you feel obligated to make it up to them. If you are a rescuer, then understand that unless
you deal with the core issue, i.e. your need to rescue others, then all your relationships are doomed. These
types of relationships are draining on you, but you are waiting for the big payoff, the day when your partner
gets back on their feet again and crowns you as their champion for saving them. Of course, this will never
happen, but you delude yourself that if you try a little bit harder, then things will work out.
ORIGINS: This behaviour usually stems from unfinished emotional wounds from childhood. Perhaps, we ourselves were never rescued or we tried to rescue our parents, (perhaps from alcoholism) and now our lifes mission is to rescue our partners. Invariably, we will be attracted to broken individuals like ourselves. Our fixing them distracts us from the fixing that we need to do within.
Controllers tend to have the misguided view that what they do is for the benefit of both parties when in reality, it serves their cause only.
4) ATTENTION SEEKER
Another self-sabotaging technique
is the need to be centre stage or
needing inordinate amounts of
attention. While it is normal for
people to seek a sense of self-
worth and validation, there are
some who seem to make a virtual
career out of attention-seeking
behavior. Whether this is done by
the way they dress or what they
say or whatever drama they
conjure up, these individuals want
you to notice them at any cost.
Sadly, in western society,
attention seeking is very common
and in large part promoted by the
media through reality shows and
glossy magazines. It is no longer
desirable to be ordinary.
Everyone now needs to feel like a
celebrity! These types of
individuals have the emotional
age of a child and often do not
understand their own motivations.
ORIGINS: Needing a lot of attention has its roots in childhood. Without sufficient attention during this crucial time, a child is left to question their value. In adulthood they seek to create this value by drawing attention to themselves to compensate for neglect in their younger years.
Let us consider another trait which works against us and that is the trait of neediness. In
western society, our understanding of what love is, has been taught, not by parents or
educators, but by movies and literature. The message of these movies and books suggest
that people lack love in their life. In other words, if your love life is not similar to the one
presented here in this book or movie, you do not have it and consequently, you need to go
out and find it!
Based on these fallacious teachings about love
both men and women have been duped into
believing that, movie love is what they need to
fulfil them. In fact, they define this as true love.
Our whole ethos about love stems from this
deceptive teaching and based on this premise we
end up with a misguided need to feel fulfilled from
The focus of needy people is themselves, having
their needs satisfied and imposing penalties on
their partners when their needs go unmet. Needy
people are externally oriented, everything is
wrong about the external,
my partner is not good
enough, they dont like me,
no one cares about me are
the types of expressions heard
from these types.
A needy person is so
that they fail to see
where the problem
really lies; within
genesis of this issue
comes from a time in
life when there were
a number of needs
not met in this
persons life and
therefore like many
there is an over
dynamic playing out.
6) FEAR OF INTIMACY
An often overlooked area of self-sabotage has to do with
the fear of intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a close,
familiar,and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or
group. A fear of intimacy displays a fear of sharing of oneself with others. This is usually done to
hide the parts of ourselves that are defective. We perpetuate this fear by not allowing others to get
close to us or if put, under the spotlight we shut down as a means of self-protection. We may feel
that to open up exposes us to betrayal and therefore we have developed a self-protection
mechanism which ultimately prevents us from getting close to anyone. At our core, we believe that we
are unlovable or unworthy, perhaps we were the victim of rejection and abandonment and we have
lived with this perception of betrayal and unworthiness ever since.
7) BAGGAGE HANDLERS
To some degree, we must be realistic and understand that we all
carry baggage. However, the thing that prevents many people from
enjoying love and fulfillment is that they have not removed baggage
from their previous relationships. Too often, I have observed that
many people will break up with a partner after a three year
relationship and then within a month, they will be involved with
someone new! They will claim that they are over the previous
person but in actuality they are not over the effects of that
relationship. The fear of being alone is what drives many people to
seek new relationships even though they have not purged
themselves of the old one. Do you realize that there are many
people who have never lived alone for any period of time since they
left their parents home?
They leave their parents and move in with their partner or get
married. That relationship breaks down, they move in with someone
else and so it goes on.
There has been no time or space
for critical analysis, no corrections
of attitude, no lessons learned.
Instead, they move from one
relationship to the next, never
realizing where things are going
wrong. This is self sabotage at its
These are a few of the
self-sabotaging traits that
prevent people from
relationships. Notice that
most of these traits have
their origins in childhood.
Although there are cases
where these traits may
develop at a later date,
most professionals in the
Tony Cross (Relationship coach)
agree that the formative years of a Childs life within the family structure as well as their environment plays a significant part in their development. These self-sabotaging traits can be overcome. Often it takes self-awareness along with concerted effort to combat these issues.
I hope this report has been useful to you. If it has, please pass it on to your friends and acquaintances.
My website www.datingandrelationshipissues.com provides information that is useful for anyone wanting to understand love dynamics and how to enjoy more fruitful relationships.
Until next time,