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Human Connections Changing Lives Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected] 1 NAME:

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Page 1: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

1

NAME:

Page 2: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

2

1. Rapport 2. Communication Prefences

3. Reflective Listening 4. Deep Structure & Surface Structure Communication (Meta Model)

Desired Outcome: To be able to establish rapport with any person, at any moment in time. Theory: A. Communication is: 7% WORDS 38% TONALITY 55% PHYSIOLOGY B. When people are like each other, they like each other. Rapport is a process of responsiveness, not necessarily “liking”. Process: A. Rapport is established by matching and mirroring. B. The major elements of rapport: (Key elements marked with “*”) Mirroring Matching Physiology (55%) Posture * Gesture Facial expression & blinking * Breathing

The structure of rapport includes FOUR main components of communication:

1. Being non-judgemental 2. Matching 3. Paraphrasing 4. Pacing someone’s reality

4 Aspects of Effective Communication

Page 3: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

3

Tonality (38%) Voice Tone (pitch) Tempo (speed) Timbre (quality) Volume (loudness) Words (7%) Predicates Key words Common experiences & associations

Communication Preferences

• Rapport is established in the first 90 seconds or less

• 93% of what is communicated is communicated and received unconsciously

• Tailoring your communication message to your audience enhances trust and credibility

Effective communication is important to building strong lasting personal and professional

relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to

feel like you know and understand what they are saying. As a result they trust and feel safe

with you. This allows you to direct the conversation towards your mutual desired outcomes.

There are four preferred communication styles: 1. Visual

2. Auditory

3. Kinesthetic

4. Auditory Digital

Visual communicators learn by seeing and memorise by looking at pictures. They tend to

be distracted by long verbal instructions. Appearance is important to them. They are

interested in how your message LOOKS. No phrase captures Visual communicators better

than “a picture paints a 1000 words”. If you are communicating with Visuals you might send

them pictures, videos, pictorial slides with images rather than written reports.

Page 4: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

4

You should also look at the words you are using and use “visual” words like: see, look, view, focus, appear or phrases like: beyond a shadow of a doubt, bird’s eye view. Auditory communicators learn by listening and by what they hear. They will likely be literal

listeners so choose your words carefully when speaking to an auditory communicator.

Auditorys can be easily distracted by noise because they are listening so intently. They like

music, audio books and talking on the phone.

Auditory listeners will memorise by steps, procedures and sequences so structure in your

communication will be important. They respond to tone of voice and words and like to be

told how they are doing. They will be most interested that your message SOUNDS right.

With Auditory communicators use some of the following words: hear, listen, sounds, resonate or some of the following phrases: rings a bell, manner of speaking, lend me your ear, hold your tongue.

Kinesthetic communicators learn by doing, moving, acting out, and hands on experience.

They will often move and talk more slowly and breathily. Often it will take a Kinesthetic

communicator more words to articulate what they are trying to say. They memorise by doing

or by walking through something. Their interest is in how a message FEELS. i.e. Does it

FEEL right or does it give them a good GUT FEELING. Kinesthetics will respond favourably to the following words and phrases: feel, touch, grasp, get a hold of, catch on, concrete, tap into, boils down to, hand in hand.

Auditory Digital communicators often exhibit characteristics of the other three

communication preferences. They will be most interested that a message makes SENSE.

They too memorise by steps, procedures and sequences. The most analytical of the four

styles, Auditory Digital communicators will respond to the following words: sense, understand, think, learn, process, decide, consider, know, change, or motivate.

Page 5: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

5

Whenever you communicate in face to face interactions, over the phone or by email, social

media or other written content consider these simple tips:

• Look for clues to tell you whether the person you are communicating with has a preference

for Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic or Auditory Digital communication style

• Listen for keyword and keyword phrases others are using in their speech or written

messages

• Experiment by matching and mirroring predicate words to determine which words your

listener grasps onto

• Prepare in advance by analyzing and understanding your audience in order to tailor your

message to their preferred style.

• When in doubt use all four communication styles in your verbal and written communication

I am out of step with my boss. (Kinesthetic). We are not seeing eye to eye. (Visual). We are singing different tunes. (Auditory). Each statement represents what a person is subjectively experiencing "I'm not sure what image I want to portray to my new boss. " “So it's important for you to look a certain way but you don't know what that would appear like?"

Page 6: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

6

Meta Communication Deep and Surface Structure Communication

The Meta Model comprises of language patterns first identified by Bandler & Grinder, the co-founders of

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). It can help clarify both our language and our thinking. It probes the

‘deep structure’ of language, by questioning the ‘surface structure’ (or language we use in ordinary

communication).

To understand the Meta Model we first need to look at how thoughts translate into words. Our thoughts

encapsulate infinitely more meaning than language can ever express. Nonetheless, given this limitation,

language, does exist at a deep level in our neurology and, when necessary, can express considerable detail,

which lies behind what we say. We term language accessed at this deep level, ‘deep structure’.

In everyday life, however, our language does not reach this deep level. We effectively précis language into

‘surface structure’. The sentence, ‘Lorna is a very intelligent child’ illustrates surface language. All the

additional information about Lorna and her intelligence (in what way, compared with whom, who says so? Etc)

forms the deep structure of the surface statement, before any deletions, distortions or generalisations. In

the same way that we filter the mass of information taken in by our senses, we create surface structure from

deep structure by continuously distorting, deleting and generalising language.

Meta Model responses or questions help to elicit the deeper meaning behind the words used. Specifically,

Meta Model questions:

• Expose generalities

• Reveal ambiguity

• Recover deletions

• Correct distortions

• Clarify Vagness

• Elicit specific meaning

• Recover the ‘deep structure’ of the language

The illustration simplifies this language distinction. All the time, when

communicating, we generalise, distort and delete in order to bring to the

surface different levels of meaning.

The idea of distortion and deletion is a natural process that enables us to

handle the vast amount of information potentially available to our brains at any given moment.

Page 7: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

7

Meta Model Patterns and Responses

PATTERNS RESPONSES / QUESTIONS Distortions: Representing an internal experience

or the ‘deep structure’ of an experience in a limiting, or changes or incomplete way, along

with generalisations and deletions or omission.

Mind Reading ‘You don’t like me.’ How do you know that I don’t like you?

Lost Performative: ‘It’s wrong to criticise.’ How do you know it’s wrong? According to whom? Who says it’s wrong?

Cause & Effect ‘You make me angry.’ How does what I’m doing cause you to choose to feel angry?

Complex equivalence: Two statements that are considered to mean the same thing, e.g. ‘He is not looking at me, so he is not listening to what I say.’

‘You’re always shouting at me – you don’t care about me!’ How does shouting at you mean I don’t care? Have you ever shouted at someone you care about?

Presuppositions: Ideas or statements that have to be taken for granted for a communication to

make sense.

“If my boss knew how overworked I was, she wouldn’t ask me.” How do you know she doesn’t know? How do you know you’re overworked?

Generalisations Universal quantifiers: Linguistic term for words

such as ‘every’, ‘never’ and ‘all’, implying absolutes that admit no exceptions.

‘She never listens to me.” Never? What would happen if she did?

Modal operators of necessity: A linguistic term for rules (should, ought, etc).

Words to watch for: ‘should’, ‘Shouldn’t’, ‘must’, ‘must not’, ‘have to’, ‘need to’, it’s necessary’: ‘I have to finish this tonight.’ What would happen if you didn’t?

Modal operators of possibility: A linguistic term for words that denote what is considered

possible (can, cannot, etc)

Words to watch for: ‘can’, ‘can’t’, ‘will’, ‘won’t’ ‘may’, may not’, ‘possible’, ‘impossible’: ‘I will not pass this exam.’ What will prevent you passing it? What would happen if you did pass?

Nominalisations: Linguistic term for the process of turning a verb into an abstract noun, and the

word for the noun so formed.

‘Communication around here is non-existent.’ Who fails to communicate with whom? What do you want to communicate?

Unspecified verbs ‘He hurt me’. How, specifically, did he hurt you?

Simple Deletions ‘I’m fed up.’ With whom? About what?

Lack of referential index ‘They don’t care.’ Who, specifically, doesn’t care?

Comparative deletions Words to watch for: ‘good’, ‘better’, ‘more’, ‘less’, ‘most’, ‘least’, ‘worst’, ‘worse’: ‘He’s the worst boyfriend.’ Compared to whom?

Page 8: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

8

Applying the Meta Model To uncover ‘deep structure’ thought / language patterns in the following statements, what questions would you ask?

1. I can’t change the way I am. What exactly can’t you change? OR What would happen if you did?

2. No one can help me.

3. I know they’ll think I’m weak.

4. He did it deliberately.

5. I’m annoyed because you are late.

6. My students don’t respond to my directions.

7. I’m upset. You upset me.

Page 9: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

9

Reflective / Active Listening

SKILLS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

1. Paraphrasing: This takes us back to school when we were told to ‘put the following passage into your own

words in order to show that you have understood what you have read’. It is a verbal skill that

communicates to the other that we have not only heard but understood. They then have a chance to verify

the accuracy of what you have heard and understood. You select your own words to describe the other’s

experience. In doing this it is important that you do not add to or distort the other’s meaning.

Example:

Person: I am completely worn out- it’s twice as difficult for me to get around now with physical disability and

my family think I am feeling sorry for myself

Volunteer: You are exhausted trying to adjust to situation and your family don’t seem to be able to

understand

Some possible introductory phrases for paraphrasing:

• So, what I hear you saying is…

• It sounds like you…

• If I understand you correctly…

• You are telling me that…

2. Reflecting: This is a very important listening tool as it mirrors the meaning and feeling of what has been

said. Making an appropriate reflection involves not only identifying accurately the client’s feelings but also

selecting with sensitivity the appropriate time, tone of voice and words to convey this to the other. The aim

of a reflection is to help the other feel understood, accepted and encouraged to share more of their

feelings. It is also important to be tentative in the way in which s/he makes the reflection

“In true listening, we reach behind the words, see through them, to find the person who is being revealed. Listening is a search to find the treasure of the true person as revealed verbally and non-verbally. There is a semantic problem, of course. The words bear a different connotation for you than they do for me. Consequently, I can never tell you what you have said, but only what I have heard. I will have to rephrase what you have said, and check it out with you to make sure that what left your mind and heart arrived in my mind and heart intact and without distortion”…

John Powell

Page 10: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

10

Reflective / Active Listening

Example:

Person: I’m just wasting your time. There must be others who have much more serious problems than me.

Volunteer: You sound as if you are worried that your problems are not important enough.

Person: I’m always being left out. Because I can’t get around as easily people have stopped asking me to go

out.

Volunteer: You sound hurt about being excluded because of people’s lack of understanding of how your

disability has affected you

Or

I’m sensing you feel misunderstood and even more isolated because of this

FOCUSING: Useful for pointing person in right direction. One focusing technique that can be useful when the

person is unable to express why they are upset, or is confused is to ask the person to use just one word to

describe his/her problem. Then the person is asked to put the word in a phrase followed by a simple sentence

that describes the problem.

Example:

Volunteer: Tell me in just one word or short phrase what you want?

Person: My family

Volunteer: All right your family. Now put that in a sentence and describe what you want,

Person: I want my family and my family life back

Other focusing techniques include stopping at something a person mentions repeatedly and gently asking

them if they could tell you a little more about that please.

SUMMARISING: This can be useful in clarifying points made in a conversation or when a person gets stuck or

goes off the point. It involves pulling together the main strands/points of a discussion and organising them so

that they can be reviewed, confirmed or corrected ( Moursund, 1990).

Guidelines

• Put together the key ideas and feelings into broad statements of the person’s basic meanings

• Attend to the person’s various themes and emotional overtones.

• Be brief and direct.

• Do not add to what the person has said, and avoid interpretations and evaluations.

Page 11: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

11

Listening to others therefore includes the following:

• STOPPING TALKING-you can’t listen while you are talking

• DON’T GIVE UP TOO SOON-give person time to say what they want and don’t interrupt

• CONCENTRATE ON WHAT THE PERSON IS SAYING-actively focus on words, ideas, feelings of the

speaker

• LOOK AT THE OTHER PERSON-even without vision people can tell whether you are facing them or not

• GIVE SOME VERBAL RESPONSES- such as “Aha” or “Yes” but don’t overdo it

• LEAVE YOUR ISSUES BEHIND- as they can prevent you from listening well

• GET RID OF DISTRACTIONS including pen and paper

• SHARE RESPONSIBILITY FOR COMMUNICATION-try to understand and if you don’t ask for clarification

• REACT TO IDEAS, NOT TO PERSON-don’t let your reaction to person influence your interpretation of

what they say

• LISTEN TO HOW SOMETHING IS SAID-a person’s attitudes and emotional reactions may be more

important than what s/he says in so many words. Listen for personality, likes, dislikes

• ALLOW PEOPLE TIME AND SPACE TO THINK-avoid temptation to fill silence. If you have time constraint

let person know in advance

• AVOID JUMPING TO ASSUMPTIONS-people don’t always think, feel, use words in the same way as you

do

• DON’T MAKE HASTY JUDGEMENTS-wait until you are in possession of all the facts

• RESIST FEELING THAT YOU HAVE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM-if you are focused on finding answers

then you are not listening

Page 12: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

12

Reflective Listening Task Script a conversation Reflect on the skills you used

And reactions to the conversation

Page 13: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

13

Reflective Listening Task Script a conversation Reflect on the skills you used

And reactions to the conversation

Page 14: 4 Essential Communication Aspects - Amazon S3€¦ · relationships. Adjusting your communication style to that of your audience enables them to feel like you know and understand

Human Connections

Changing Lives

Address: PO Box 8281, Glenmore Park NSW 2745 Website: © 2013 www.humanconnections.com.au Email: [email protected]

14

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

ABOUT HUMAN CONNECTIONS

Human Connections is an Australian business based in Sydney, committed to connecting people in schools, families and the workplace. With qualifications and university degrees in both education and counselling Rocky brings great experience both as a teacher, Year Coordinator, therapist and life coach.

Rocky has successfully conducted presentations to thousands of clients. In particular, he has focused on the transition into senior school. His focus on emotion and stress management, motivation and peak performance brings to clients the latest techniques used by successful corporate and sporting people around the world. Clients will participate and experience techniques in energy psychology, Neuro-Linguistic programming, self-hypnosis and meditation.

What we do: Go to www.humanconnections.com.au to find out more.

1. Peak Performance Student Sessions: These student sessions are mostly targeted to Year 7 (Big Fish into Little Fish Workshop) 10, 11 and 12 students. The focus is on motivation, goals and emotion management techniques. The information pack has further details. However, the sessions are between 90 minutes and a whole day workshop. In addition, we hold study skills days with Prue Salter from ELES where the group is split in half and each spends half a day with a presenter.

2. Parent Evenings: The parent evenings were born from the overwhelming feedback by

students that a major part of their pressure was from their parents. The session runs for 60 minutes and is titled, “Helping your child through senior school and the HSC.”

3. Counselling: Rocky Biasi from Human Connections is a clinical Member of the Counsellors

and Psychotherapists Association of NSW and runs a private practice. In addition, Rocky offers counselling to teachers and clients in a variety of schools.

4. Professional Development and Mentoring: Human Connections conducts a range of

professional development workshops, including “The Accidental Counsellor”, “Teaching Toward Success - Helping Clients Reach their Academic Potential” and “Conscious Classroom Management.

Please note: all materials in this handout are protected by copyright. If you wish to use any of this material with clients/parents you need to acknowledge the source as follows: Source: www.humanconnections.com.au

As director of Human Connections, Rocky Biasi is a classroom management and interpersonal skills specialist with a practical approach to behaviour management.

With over 15 years’ experience as a counselor, teacher and Year Coordinator to every year group from Yr 7 – 12, Rocky has a wealth of experience both practical and theoretical that can help teachers and schools work toward becoming more effective and efficient in their roles.

His extensive training and research from the field of Peak Performance Psychology equips him to consult with teachers and clients about how to move from where they are to where they want to be.