3 ways you can instantly improve your relationship with men

3 Ways to Instantly Improve Your

Relationships With Men

Copyright © 2011, E-Cyrano Inc.

by Evan Marc KatzDating Coach For Smart, Strong Successful Women

Improvement #1It’s Not Your Job to Change Men.

It’s Your Job to Find a ManYou Don’t Need to Change.

The questions I received in my latest reader survey were really just a microcosm of the questions I get on my blog every day:

• “Why don't men seem as interested in long-term relationships as women are?”

• “What makes men run away from a relationship when you start asking where things are going??”

• “Why can dating be so difficult for educated, career oriented women in their 40's?”

• “Why women are expected to change the way they operate in order to be "successful" in relationships but men get a pass?”

• “How can I inspire my boyfriend to change unwanted behaviors, when he is very stubborn and resistant to change?”

The predominance of these types of queries indicates a greater frustration, grounded in a lack of understanding and acceptance of men, as they are.

Imagine for a minute that you lived in San Francisco, a city about which Mark Twain said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.”

Let’s say that you love the culture, ambiance, and people of the city, but you preferred warmer weather. And each time there was a 62-degree cloudy day, you got angry because the weather wasn’t to your liking.

You have essentially three choices:

1. Leave San Francisco – and give up all the things you love about it – to find a city that may be less exciting but has better weather.

3 Ways to Instantly Improve Your Relationships With Men

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2. Continue to enjoy San Francisco, but make sure you bring layers with you every time you go out because it tends to get chilly.

3. Complain perpetually that the weather in San Francisco SUCKS and is SO unfair.

Which would you say is the best option?

Better yet, which is clearly NOT the best option?

Every time I get a question about the nature of men – as if they’re monolithic, fundamentally flawed humans – I can’t help but think you’re choosing option C.

In any situation, you have the same three choices: Complain, Leave, or Accept.

If you’re dating a man who has been sleeping with you for four months but still has his profile up, LEAVE him!

If you’re dating a man who has been with you for a year and hasn’t said “I love you”, LEAVE him!

If you’re dating a man who makes you feel like you’re on thin ice, and you’re perpetually afraid that he’s going to dump you, LEAVE him!

Why do I suggest something that seems so drastic?

Simple.

Because complaining about him isn’t going to change him. If anything, it’s only going to upset him worse. Nobody – not you, and not men - likes to be criticized.

Similarly, if you don’t want to accept him as he is – because it’s unfair for you to spend your life with a man who never says he loves you, never wants to commit to you, and never makes you feel safe, then what choice do you have?

See how easy this is?

If complaining doesn’t work, criticizing doesn’t work, and accepting the unacceptable doesn’t work, there’s only one thing left to do:

Dump your guy and find a guy that you DON’T need to change.





Improvement #2If You Have Consistent Questions

About Your Relationship, It’s Probably Not a Strong Relationship

I can’t begin to tell you the number of questions I receive from women, complaining about their boyfriends.

And as I’ve already said, you’re not at all “wrong” if you have complaints about men. Men who keep their profiles active on Match, men who are perpetually unemployed, and men who have absolutely no interest in building a future together.

But it does beg an obvious question:

Why are you fighting so hard to preserve a relationship with such a flawed man?

Joan was seeing Ted for three months when she brought up the topic of exclusivity with him. Ted panicked, shut down, and literally never called Joan again.

That was three months ago.

Still, to this day, all Joan can think about is how she can get Ted back.

Huh?

Is it not obvious that if, miraculously, Joan ends up rekindling things with Ted, she will not only be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life, in fear of the inevitable day that he breaks up with her, but she’ll be taking on a boyfriend who has the integrity of Bernard Madoff and communication skills of a mute lumberjack?

Why in heaven would anyone want this man back?

Allison has been sleeping with her best friend, Danny, for four months and honestly loves him.





Her feelings for him allow her to ignore the fact that Danny’s 40, has no money, no career prospects, no work ethic, and a very questionable sense of morals.

Although technically they weren’t exclusive, Danny slept with another woman and casually told Allison a few days later, as if he were saying he grabbed a turkey sandwich for lunch. When Allison immediately started crying, Danny told her that he couldn’t understand what the big deal was and yelled at her to stop getting so emotional. Danny’s complete lack of remorse was just as bad as the betrayal itself.

Would it surprise you to know that Allison is still trying to figure out how to make things work with Danny? Even though he’s a slacker and a cheater. Even though he never wants to have children like she does. Even though the writing is on the wall in 12-foot boldface letters that say “RUN”!

Rebecca is the only one who got things right. After falling in love with a very kind, generous, older, divorced man named James, Rebecca had the highest aspirations for her new relationship. James said all the right things and did all the right things.

The problem was that James didn’t own his own life. He runs his own business. He shares custody of his two kids with a difficult ex-wife. He had to sell his old house and buy and redecorate his new one. As a result, all the best intentions in the world couldn’t make up for the fact that James just didn’t have enough time to give to Rebecca.

And after six months of waiting to see if James could give her more than one night a week, Rebecca decided to get out, presumably to find a man much like James – just with more time to give.

After all this evidence of women clinging to broken relationships, I hope you see that the secret of successful relationships is that they’re fundamentally EASY.

The right guy DOES give you what you need, in terms of time, attention, kindness, consistency and love. And when you’re getting all that, there aren’t many relationship questions to ask, are there?

Neither Joan nor Allison nor Rebecca should have to be in a frustrating relationship where they feel like they have to accept something that’s unacceptable.





All of them can do better and all of them WILL do better.

So will you.

A good relationship is like two puzzle pieces fitting. There’s no drama. No conversations about “us”. No perpetual agonizing about where you stand. It’s easy.

If your relationship isn’t easy, that’s a really good indication that it’s not right.





Improvement #3It Doesn’t Matter If He’s Just Like You

(In Fact, It’s Better If He Isn’t!)Once upon a time, I received a phone call from an entrepreneur who told me that she was going to build the best online dating site ever: Fuego Connect.

The problem with dating sites, she said, was that you have to sift through so many people who are nothing like you. Wouldn’t it be great to have a website where everyone on the site shared your same passions?

So if you were a black diamond skier with a home in Aspen, you’d have access to other wannabe slalom champs.

If you had three dogs, you’d find a man who also was similarly mad about his pugs.

If you were into spirituality, you’d have an all access pass to other men who were seeking nirvana.

She wanted to know what I thought and if I’d like to be involved.

I told her, point blank, that this was the worst idea of all time.

(Okay, maybe I was slightly more diplomatic, but, knowing me, I probably wasn’t.)

The problem with a site that connects people over “passions” is that sharing such interests says nothing about one’s ability to forge a 40-year romantic relationship.

And by extolling the merits of relationships based in gardening or hip-hop music, FuegoConnect would be exacerbating the problem, by bringing people together over superficial hobbies that weren’t at all relevant to long-term compatibility.

After hundreds of dates, thousands of hours of dating coaching, I’ve become irrevocably convinced that common interests are the LEAST important element in happy relationships. They are the icing, but they are certainly not the cake.





Teenagers might fall in love because both of them list Belle and Sebastian as their favorite band. Adults, at a certain point, should know better, right?

But we don’t.

Jody is a long-distance biker who trains for two hours a day and she wants a man who shares her passion. Not only is that less than 5% of the population, but consider the other characteristics of the long-distance biker – he puts more time into training than he does into relationships. This is why the Wall Street Journal actually wrote an article about “marathon widows” – women who marry men who are more dedicated to their sport than to their families. But hey, at least they have “fitness” in common!

Tina is a psychologist who has explored many different spiritual paths over the years. She’s done movement and tantra and meditation and everything else under the sun and this work a vital part of her life. Needless to say, she wanted a man who was curious about the same things.

In the process of dating, Tina quickly discovered that a) the number of men who are similarly “spiritual” are minuscule, and b) all the spiritual men she met seemed to be annoying narcissists. Much to her surprise, instead of continuing to pursue men who were just like her, she opened herself up to the 98% of the population that wasn’t.

Which way do you think Tina has better odds of dating success?

The fact is, if you’re extremely passionate about ANYTHING, it’s going to make you a bit of an outlier. And if you live your life around your passion, it’s only going to serve to take you even further outside the mainstream.

It’s hard to meet your husband if you’re summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro.It’s hard to meet your husband if you’re doing healing work with other women.It’s hard to meet your husband if you’re doing an Iron Man triathlon.It’s hard to meet your husband if you’re volunteering with women at the shelter.

No one’s judging you for choosing these meaningful pursuits, but I will say that it’s unrealistic to find a man who not only shares your passion, but is also tall, dark, handsome, sophisticated, generous, sexy, thoughtful, emotionally available, etc.





Ultimately, it’s not about finding someone who SHARES your passion. It’s about finding a partner who ACCEPTS your passion without judging you.

That’s what I did, and that’s how I got married.

Instead of continuing to chase the elusive younger, East Coast, Jewish, atheist, intellectual beauty, who’s got a Masters degree and shares novels with me, I let go of trying to date the female version of myself.

My wife is from the West Coast, Catholic, believes in God, is older than I am, is smart, but not an intellectual, and would rather watch The Office than read Philip Roth.

So what makes us work if we have none of those “important” things in common?

We both have integrity.We make each other laugh.We treat each other like gold.We’re close with our families.We trust each other implicitly.We accept each other as we are. We want the same things out of life.We want to be great parents and role models. We put our relationship above our individual needs.

None of this can be seen in an online dating profile.

None of this comes across on a first date.

None of this means that my wife should give up her passion for wine or that I should give up reading when my wife wants to watch TV.

It just means we accept each other’s differences and love each other anyway.

And until you get over the idea that your partner has to be “just like” you, you’re not only leaving yourself with very few romantic prospects, but you’re pretty much ensuring that your prospects have your flaws.

Too busy. Too stubborn. Too critical. Too self-centered.

Choose a man who’s different than you and you may finally get a different – and better – result.





If this special report resonated with you, be sure to check out my new coaching program I’m putting together, where I’ll be tackling your personal dating questions in much greater depth. So if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign up for the exclusive notification list where you downloaded this report for special offers and bonuses when this ground breaking new program is ready:

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/3-ways-to-improve.php

Thanks for your trust and support.

Your friend,

Evan Marc Katz







3 ways you can instantly improve your relationship with men

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