listen, listen…

Merlijn Hoek flickr

Vince Alongi flickr

listening you may think you’re

seeing? but are you

A master martial artist asked Bruce to teach

him everything Bruce knew about martial

arts

by :: Robee ::, flickr

Bruce held up two cups, both filled with

liquid

The first cup

represents all of your

knowledge about

martial arts.

The second cup

represents all of my

knowledge about

martial arts.

If you want to fill your cup with my

knowledge, you must first empty your

cup of your knowledge. Bruce Lee

imagine you’re sitting on a plane, hoping you don’t get an annoying

seatmate who wants to talk

suddenly, a big guy who

looks eager for

conversation sits down

next to you…

moriza. flickr

how do you

see this

person?

large plastic bag

grand canyon mute

Aleutian pretzel man

flip

your

focus

by ecstaticist

How does this person

see themselves and their

situation?

This wasn’t

Large Plastic Bag

Grand Canyon Mute

Aleutian Pretzel Man this was a real person with a

name and a history and stories

that make him laugh and cry.

He was a who, not a what, just

like me.

Patti Digh Say Hi to Yaron

imagine you’re thinking about (or trying not to think about) the

challenge of poverty in Africa

how do you

see these

people?

flip

your

focus

How do these people

see themselves and

their situation?

I have the power to change my world and

make a better life for my family.

imagine you’re an eager employee preparing to pitch a new initiative

to your Chief Financial Officer (CFO) who has a reputation

as the “VP of No”

how do you

see this

person?

flip

your

focus

How does this person

see themselves and

their situation?

I’ve got a thankless role with the diciest

risk/reward ratio of any job short of a

Navy Seal.

Todd Baker << technowannabe, flickr

How do I see this

person?

How does this person

see themselves and

their situation?

how does flipping your focus

change you and your

approach?

filters take us from all sound

to what we pay attention to

distorting

what we hear

and

creating

our reality

culture

language

labels

values

inner dialog

status

experiences

preconceptions

preoccupations

assumptions

attitudes

intentions

stress

expectations

beliefs

Mykl Roventine flickr

cup empty your

Listening is not an automatic

pilot. It is a conscious

decision… STOP

EVERYTHING YOU’RE

THINKING and listen.

Suspend your own frame of

reference. Focus externally.

Turn off your ego. Quit

thinking everything revolves

around your opinion. Give the

stage in your head to

someone else!

Sunni Brown

Listening is magic: it turns a person

from an object outside, opaque, or

dimly threatening, into an intimate

experience, and therefore into a friend.

In this way, listening softens and

transforms the listener. Norman Fischer

The point is to understand people

deeply – so deeply you could live their

life, walk in their shoes, and make

decisions the way they would. Indi Young

what’s your listening position?

Break into pairs A share why you came “I came to this event because…”

B listen from different positions

I'm bored

I want to be friends

I'm in a hurry

What can I learn from this?

A share your experiences

B share your experiences

Swap and repeat

Listening positions

story everyone has a

be deeply curious

I wonder why they’re

doing that? Saying

that?

listen to what you’re thinking

Gee, that’s a dumb

way of doing it!

stay in the moment

even if they aren’t knowledgeable about what you’re

seeking insight on, the extent of their knowledge or

misinformation is useful

I wonder what's for

dinner tonight?

suspend judgment

That makes no

sense… it takes

forever that way.

be patient

This is pointless. I’m

going to cut it short.

adopt a beginner’s mind

I already know that,

let’s skip over it...

letting go

My idea is really

cool. They just don’t

get it.

be kind

They’re awfully

defensive. I’m not

going to learn

anything...

seek the unknown unknowns

abandon your script

to find the story

dig

beneath

opinion

conjecture

preference

surfacing

the insights

hidden

within their

stories

Stories are the large and small instruments of

meaning, of explanation, that we store in our

memories. Joe Lambert

Stories carry emotional information, hopes,

desires, intentions, and pieces of relevant

information. Seth Kahan

listening 10 tips for mindful

1

yes, that’s the sound of silence (your most

powerful listening tool!)

use body language to show interest with

nonverbal cues 2

smiling

nodding

making eye contact

tilting your head

leaning forward

opening and relaxing your

body posture

relaxing your hands

relaxing and breathing

scragz flickr

avoid frowning

not moving your head

looking away

looking down

glaring

slumping

being stiff

fidgeting

sighing

yawning

use verbal cues to encourage and show

interest 3

echo

priority?

encourage

uh huh

notice keyword

it’s a matter of

priority

draw out

Could you say a bit

more about…

encourage

Interesting

acknowledge

I see

Anything else?

They probably don’t

want hear any more

…

avoiding yes | no prompts

No.

yes | no prompt

yes | no prompts close down conversation, keeping

control with the questioner

control

Would…?

Are…?

Will…?

Do…?

If…?

What else? they must be

interested in

hearing more

Well, the last

time…

<silence>

use open prompts instead

open prompt

hand over control

What…?

Why…?

How…?

When…?

Describe…

Tell me about…

open prompts draw people out

dig deep with WHY 4

I’m not sure why I

was chosen for

this interview.

Because I’m loud. When I wasn’t a supporter I was loud about it…

probably fought it the first 6 months. I think it changed when I got

introduced to favorites. I didn’t have to drill down every single time.

[Name] heard me complaining. He was sitting near me. He came

over and showed me favorites and changed my life.

why (follow the verb)?

Why do you

think you were

chosen?

It’s not a

corporate

priority.

See how many attachments

there are in my Inbox? Lots

from HR. If it was a

corporate priority HR

wouldn’t be sending

attachments.

How do you

know that?

reveals frame abstraction

why did you do it

that way?

hmmm, why do I do it that

way? maybe because…

… I have too much to do,

so I can’t afford the time…

rationalization

but be careful with why prompts because they kick

the rational brain into gear

follow the story!

listen for abstractions or generalizations and

prompt for concrete experience

5

abstraction

Normally I

search…

story

Well, yesterday

<name> called me to

ask for…

probe for specific

experience

When was the

last time you

did that?

Can you give

me an

example?

next? who was involved? …

try to imagine the entire scene

what did you do? how did it end? …

who, what, when, why, how…

were there other

times…?

Tell me about them.

yes

extend the story by exploring themes

elicit more stories explore theme

working down the abstraction

ladder

LH Walker

offer an hypothesis and let them fix your

understanding 6

So you

mean…?

hypothesis

Sounds like you’re saying

that you waste a lot of time

chasing down answers… That’s partly the

reason, but also…

“fix” understanding

let go incorrect

interpretation

paraphrase to show understanding, clarify

misperceptions, and build relationships 7

listen restate (your words)

Sounds like you’re

saying…

mentally summarize

1, 2, 3…

restate (your words)

What I'm hearing

is that you…

be brief, don’t parrot back, convey no judgment, use

YOU

listen for outliers to understand workarounds

and probe for opportunities 8

ah, opportunity!

Well, what

happens is…

set aside assumption

Looks like when you

need to [x], you do [y]

Let’s talk about why you

do that.

assumption

That’s a really odd.

No one else would

ever do that.

listen for and reflect back their words 9

your words

…it’s client

server…

What do you mean,

client server? I’M the

client!

their words

I keep everything

together in client

matter folders

use empathic listening when they share

feelings or show emotion 10

content

feeling

content

feeling

anger fear contempt

surprise happiness sadness

watch for tells in expressions, body language, or tone

frustrated elated angry exhausted awed timid disappointed

honored stressed excited joyous confident nervous depressed fearful

shocked friendship hopeful relaxed torn proud change courageous accepted

delighted success disgusted embarrassed amused happy jealous conviction

pity remorse sad surprised worried unhappy strong stand respect

appreciated distant

reflect feelings,

restate content

you’re feeling upset

because 1, 2, 3…

mentally summarize

1, 2, 3…

listen for feelings

Every day I have

to…

it pisses me

off!

tune into their feelings to increase their comfort and

encourage them to continue

reflect feelings,

restate content

emotion in tone or body

language

The way it was

implemented led to

compartmentalization. If

process had led us, we

would have been much

farther along… It’s the

nature of our work. We

work with x, y, and z.

Makes it difficult to know…

You’re feeling because

you work on projects with other departments. Because it

could belong to any of those departments, you find it difficult

to know where to put things. And when you need to email

someone, you never know if you’re going to have access to

that department’s folder. So you feel that you’re

wasting a lot of time and that things aren’t organized.

frustrated

mentally summarize

1, 2, 3…

Being heard is so

close to being

loved

that for the

average person

they are

almost

indistinguishable. David Augsberger

kelsey_lovefusionphoto flickr

listening test your

Can you tell the story from their

perspective?

Did what you hear challenge your

assumptions? Change your worldview in

any way?

always be listening every question is a drop of clarity in a sea

of change

Sean Rogers1 flickr

practice, practice, practice

build a library of great questions, question

beginnings or prompts

story collector be a

stories reveal what people care about most

stories reveal how people perceive the world

stories point the way to insights

Maybe stories are just data with a soul. Brené Brown

see learn to listen so you can

That it is the most important thing in the universe, that it contains all

the riddle of life and death. It does! You are no longer looking, you are

SEEING… The Zen of Seeing, by Frederick Franck

Neal flickr

Open your eyes and focus on whatever you observed before – that

plant or leaf or dandelion. Look it in the eye, until you feel it looking

back at you. Feel that you are alone with it on Earth!

@joyce_hostyn

jhostyn@opentext.com (email)

www.joycehostyn.com/blog (blog)

knowledge.opentext.com/go/adoption (Adoption Community)

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