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ISSUE ONE pheromone [ [ AN ART AND LITERARY ZINE THE UNKNOWN

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an art and literary zine issue 01: The Unknown

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issue one

pheromone[ [an art and literary zine

the unknown

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the unknown

I’ve been going through the many ways I could properly put into words what you should be expecting from this humble zine, but I come up short each time. In its place, I will tell you how I came to choose this as the first issue’s theme. During my final year at the Philippine High School for the Arts, in between writing my book and meeting academic requirements, I made mixtapes, stickers, and zines on a whim. Sometimes I’d leave a small box full of the aforementioned things in our dorm’s common area, so I could give them away. An underclassmen friend once saw me leaving the box, and asked me why I was being so generous. My natural response to most questions like this is: “I don’t know”. But this time, admittedly, I really didn’t. While I’ve always been one to set specific, long-term goals, this little project of sorts was one I initiated on impulse. It felt like something I should do. And even now when I think about it, the effort I poured in every mix and sticker design was worth it in the end. Somewhere down the road, I had friends who were initiating similar projects or creating similar things, and a few of them admitted that they were inspired by my initiative. It’s been roughly a year since I graduated high school, but I still hear about underclassmen who are now making mixtapes/zines/stickers in my stead. In turn, they’ve inspired me to return to zine-making. I was hoping that by now I’d have the right words to synthesize [pheromone]’s first issue. But admittedly, I still don’t. And maybe I never will. This just felt like something I had to do.

Paola Mauricio25 jan 2015

| acknowledgements | this issue goes out to everyone who’s believed in me even when I didn’t: thank you so much. and for he who’s lately been one of the few certain things in my life: it is an honor to be your armrest. “looking out” by robyn saquin

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illustrated by wika naderakevin cantos

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“Puddle” by joan lao

This is what you don’t know: I am walking among you.You say you don’t see monsters but I’m right fucking here.I take slow measured steps and breathe slow measured breaths becauseI am noiseless and considerate in my destruction.I am silent the way Singularity unfurling itself was silent,the way a black hole shrieking everything around it into nothingness is silent,the way god is silent but the devil is laughing.The way a corpse is silent. The way dead men tell no tales.Wouldn’t want to leave my carcass rotting on your doorstep, no sir,leave me out in the cold, bruised and covered in sores,my skin dripping from my skeleton like pus from a wound,shivering and shaking the demons out of me,this body refusing and refusing and refusing to die.Trust me, I’d think of you much more fondly if you’d leave me alonewith the knives in my throat and the blood I am always swallowing.I’d love you if you’d just stand back and watchwhen I curl my hands under my ribcage and try to scrape out my soul.

This is what you don’t know: I wake up in the morning every daythe same way you try to. I sit two tables away from you in the cafeteria.I’m eating sandwiches and my mind is scattered shrapnel after an explosion.You’ll notice I’ll sweep every bit of it into the trashbin before leaving,which is probably better than what you’ll do, even though my skeletonis still shuddering from the impact. You’ll notice that I grin and bear it.You’ll notice that I don’t leave footprints. You’ll notice that I’m dying.You’ll notice my teeth are black with gunpowder and when I talkyou’ll notice you’re choking on the exhaust that hisses between them.But this is what you don’t: I am trying to protect you.I am trying to hold myself into this human form instead of letting itcrack under your feet. I am doing my best not to splinter when you touch me.In the future you’ll hear me howling in the winds and rattling the trees,stirring up dust and crashing in the sea. I’ll be everywhere and nowhere.I’ll be sharpening my teeth on your heart and tasting salt, dirt, and bile.I’ll be crying in bed twisted under the sheets, licking sweat off my wrists,thinking bad, bad thoughts, thinking anger, thinking triumph, thinkingI could kill myself if I really, really wanted to.Thinking of flaying myself open and letting my arm dangle movie-star dramaticover the edge of the mattress for my sister to find when she wakes up.But not today. For now I am swept together and tied tight by my own promises,rooted in shape here by how much I want to want to live. This is what you don’t know: the beast is roaring.It’s laughing and weeping and it moves under my skin.It is alive as long as I am alive.Sometimes it speaks.

do not oPen - several arMageddons contained inside box

arin Mukhi

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“untitled” by dwight Fernandez

Paola Mauricio is an 18-year old manyak pixie dream girl taking Information Design in Ateneo de Manila, and head honcho of [team pheromone]. She published a book entitled “The Lines in your Hands” last March 2014, but she’s still unsure of her feelings toward writing. Living in the tenth circle of hell seems more appealing at the moment. (twitter: @sPAOLArium / instagram: @paolamau)

joan lao is a full-on weaboo and closet artist from the Kingdom of Bahrain, who enjoys drawing topless men and dismembered hands. She is also known for her cosplay and freelance illustration works in Bahrain.(joaneunicelao.tumblr.com / instagram: yuniowl)

robyn saquin is an 18-year old art major who still can’t believe she’s gotten published and hides her excitement and enthusiasm behind shyness and snark. She likes it when she gets her hands dirty with traditional mediums and when people actually spell her name correctly.(chromabyne.tumblr.com)

contributors

viM nadera is an award-winning poet, fictionist, playwright, and essayist, and is considered the father of performance poetry in the Philippines. He is currently the Director IV of the Philippine High School for the Arts.(vimnadera.com)

dwight Fernandez is a 17-year old probinsiyano trying hard to survive the hell that is Manila. He sees himself with a stethoscope and a scalpel on one hand and a camera on the other in the future. (dwightfernandez.carbonmade.com)

kevin cantos is a 16-year old musician from the Philippine High School for the Arts. He tries to make everything either ugly or beautiful.(kevin-cantos.tumblr.com)

arin Mukhi is a professional poltergeist usually found in the Rizal Library of Ateneo de Manila University.(twitter: @gh0stsinc)

wika nadera is a 15-year old art student from the Philippine High School for the Arts residing in QC, who wants to improve himself yet can;t find the time for it. He likes Fun. (band), Pokemon, and street food. He claims to be an awesome farmer-astronaut with an alien wife, seven children, and an adopted father, but he obviously isn’’t.(instagram: @wikanadera17)

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